Being a chronic shopaholic has helped me learn a thing or two about the concept of saving money. In my steps to recovery, I watch videos providing tips on financial consciousness and practice gratitude. I’ve even begun to curate Pinterest boards for my future minimalist aesthetic.
But as I watched my I-won’t-even-guess-how-many videos about tips on how to not need new clothes, I started to think about how my unhealthy obsession with shopping looked a lot like a toxic relationship. So, even though the most toxic relationship I’ve been in is with my wardrobe, I’m totally in an optimal position to give some advice on love.
1. Learn to Appreciate Things Without Owning Them
This one’s easy.
Well, easy for you maybe, not for me and my things. What do you mean I was just supposed to “appreciate” this pair of beautiful, tiger-print heels at TJ Maxx that were on sale for $40?
In relationships, it’s a little easier to understand that you don’t need to go and be with every beautiful thing you see. Moreover, when you’re in a relationship with someone, you still need to accept that you do not own them. They are still their own person, and you need to accept that they have the freedom to do whatever they want, even if you don’t like it.
Often, people don’t address their preconceived notions about someone before committing to them. They think that their person will stop going out or doing the little things that irk them in earlier stages. They don’t always communicate these things, often carrying qualms into the relationship. When we don’t have the control we thought we had over someone, things start to fall apart, and without reflection and communication, we look outside of our relationship for what we lack.
When we don’t address our control and ownership issues, we focus on our lack. When we focus on our lack, our appreciation becomes a desire to own, and we end up relationship-aholics.
Or, in my case, a shopaholic.
Anyway, I did try to overcome my addiction, and I did not buy the shoes!
…But I did call my friend to buy them for me while I was out of state.
2. Love Without a Plan
My sister always says that if you can’t create three outfits in your head with the item you’re about to buy, don’t buy it. Despite being a major planner, it’s hard for me to heed this advice. I buy statement pieces with no intention of wearing them anytime soon.
While my bad habit only affects the space I have in my closet, this habit in love can cause detrimental harm to other people.
People often think love to be spontaneous. I like to think of it as an active decision over time. Relationships that last the test of time often have a plan associated with them. They give a reasonable amount of grace to their partners and plan for shortcomings without forgoing their limits. They have a plan for their future together rather than hope that it will work out. A dream without action is just a fantasy. A lack of plan can cause tension, trauma, and heartbreak.
Or worse, another decluttering session.
3. The Diderot Effect
My biggest opponent.
Coined by the philosopher Denis Diderot, who wrote an essay titled “Regrets on Parting with My Old Dressing Gown,” the term describes the impulse to shop to restore balance. Sometimes, I’ll buy a statement piece, only to come home and find my closet doesn’t match the new vibe of said item. So? I do what I do best: shop some more.
This phenomenon is actually incredibly common in today’s society; when someone moves into a new apartment, they need a new vibe for their bedroom. New car? New accessories. New era? New aesthetic.
In newer relationships, this effect takes the form of extravagance. We see this in the form of love bombing and going out of character for someone we feel is out of our league. In the beginning, it’s easy to keep up.
As time goes on, it can become harder to keep up the facade. One begins to slip back into their original self — leaving the other person confused — or they lose their identity to embody the character they think fits into the other person’s life. More, if we end up losing that person, we have a whole bunch of pieces we will have to pick up to find ourselves again.
In either case, there is loss. I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum: obsessively shopping to fit my life into a new aesthetic only to realize that none of this is what I like.
I probably could’ve used that money for something much more important to me, like a zebra print fur coat.
4. Giving When Your Tank is Empty
Ever since Ariana Grande’s song “7 Rings” came out, I knew that I was meant to live a life of extravagance.
Kidding! Well, kind of.
For context, back in January, I was scrolling on Instagram when I found the above fringe top and a black fringe dress to match. I fell in love immediately. The page only opens its site once a month until it reaches a certain number of orders (their pieces are handmade), and, unbeknownst to me, the time zone in which this happened was not the same as mine.
I missed the drop! I had to wait another month just to order the pieces, and who knows how long it would take for me to actually hold them in my hands.
Well, best believe I was ready for that next drop.
Physically — that is. If it were an in-person Black Friday in the early 2000s, I would’ve emerged victorious.
Financially? Well….
I didn’t factor in the cost of customs, nor how much Australian shipping would be. I had just booked my solo trip on my credit card, and I didn’t have $600 lying around. I had that amount in my savings account, but that would take more than a day to transfer.
But I wanted, scratch that, needed these pieces.
So? I asked my mom to use her card temporarily, and said I’d pay her back in two days!
Did I need to buy both pieces right then and there? No, but my obsession and FOMO may have gotten the best of me.
I got what I wanted, and they’re not at all pieces I regret buying. But in the process of not having enough to purchase the two pieces I wanted, my actions affected someone else negatively. It’s already annoying to do this financially, but when it comes to love, ridding on emotional E can take a much worse form.
Being emotionally unavailable can stem from many things: grief, stress, attachment patterns, and so on. The result is an individual who struggles to form deep, meaningful connections through avoiding vulnerability and promoting distance. It’s important to address emotional inabilities prior to overcommitting in order to prevent burnout in ourselves and emotional distress in our loved ones.
5. Pressure Makes Bad Decisions, not Diamonds.
On shopping trips, I feel like I have to leave with something other than Pretzel Maker, especially when I’m with friends or when I’m on a mission to acquire clothes for a specific event. But when I feel this pressure, I often make decisions I tend to regret.
And by regret, I mean I buy pieces that aren’t the vibe, fit, or price range I was going for. I usually end up looking for something else online without returning the original piece.
For example, I purchased a Calvin Klein jumpsuit that was the cutest striped addition to my closet; it looks perfect on the hanger.
But the fit? Not for me. I hate when the crotch of any pair of pants is baggy, even for sweatpants. They didn’t have my size in stock, so the pair I purchased ended up being high waters (too short) on me. I only bought it because it was the last on the rack!
Sometimes, we create this idea in our heads that it’s do-or-die for situations that are more do-or-don’t.
We think we’re running out of time for love, that the population of fish is decreasing by the minute. We see “selling fast” and “almost out of stock” signs that aren’t really there, getting our brains to think: I need to make a decision, quick!
But more often than not, rushing into a connection — purchase or person — often does not end the way we hope.
When we place unnecessary pressure on ourselves, people look perfect enough on paper. But it’s so important to try them out for a bit; don’t overcommit right away! Test what you see!
Unfortunately for me, the store’s dressing rooms were closed, but I went back almost a year later and saw my size hanging up!
I was so upset I had to leave the store. Will I take my chances on another “exclusive” piece in a store that’s just calling my name? Probably.
But hey, I never said I was perfect.
All in all, love and shopping are great experiences, and they add so much to your life (and in both cases, your wardrobe)
But it’s so important to be intentional about our transactional relationships and purchases. When we don’t stop to check in with our accounts, we make bad decisions that drain our wallets and minds. Our closets and hearts overflow with things we don’t really love — with things that aren’t a true representation of who we are and what we stand for.
By having a stronger sense of identity, we avoid falling for trendy news and making impulsive decisions. We understand what we like and don’t, and we don’t let external forces trample our boundaries. We become mindful creatures and know how much we have to give.
So, the next time you take stock of what’s in your closet, I hope you also remember to take stock of your relational well-being and learn from past mistakes.