You stare at your phone, waiting for that text back. He told you he’d let you know when he’s free two weeks ago, but there hasn’t been a follow-up. He said he’s been really busy with work, school, and life in general. But you talk almost every day, and all of your friends agree that he seems interested. So why isn’t he making the effort?
You wonder if love should be more simple than this, and if he’s really just figuring out his life like he says he is. And you’re right to think all of these things. To you, it might seem so easy for your parents who have been together for 20 years, or your friend who just got into a relationship with someone who seems to adore her, or even the cute couple you saw holding hands downtown. You’d be right to wonder about all of these things, because love really can be that simple.
I wish I could say this is just a hypothetical scenario, but it’s one I’ve found myself in more times than I’d like to admit. I’ve spent a huge (and honestly, embarrassing) amount of time trying to figure out whether someone’s inconsistent behavior meant they weren’t interested, or whether they genuinely were just busy. And the worst part was that I could always find a reason to give them the benefit of the doubt.
We’ve all at least heard the notion from He’s Just Not That Into You: If a guy doesn’t call you, he doesn’t want to call you. The whole movie is based on the idea that men do not wait to go after what they truly want. And, for the most part, that idea makes sense. But time and time again, women meet someone who they think could be great and make excuse after excuse when he isn’t making an effort or treating her right.
We get attached to the version of them that we think they could be. The glimpse we got to see of the good parts of him, for that split second. Those few moments that made it seem like “this guy is different from the others.” We start filling in the blanks ourselves, imagining what the relationship could look like if he just had more time, if things were less complicated, or if he finally realized what we already know.
I’ve experienced this firsthand. There have been times when I knew someone was being inconsistent with me, but then they would give me one really good interaction. Maybe we’d have an amazing conversation, they’d suddenly make an effort, or they’d say something that made me feel like there really was something there. And instead of looking at the pattern as a whole, I would fixate on that one moment, and the weeks of confusion would disappear in my mind. Every time, I think, See? This is why I didn’t give up on him. My friends are obviously wrong.
But why are mixed signals so intoxicating in the first place?
It’s because inconsistency can create a dopamine-driven response in the brain. Integrative Systemic Coaching compares mixed signals to a slot machine, where you keep “hoping the next spin will be the jackpot.”
Every time you get that little crumb of affection after a period of distance or dryness, when it seems like things might finally turn around, your brain gets that rush of dopamine. Suddenly, the smallest actions can feel huge. A text back. A good conversation in public. A compliment. He likes your story after ignoring you for three days.
That’s where the slot machine effect really comes into play.
The inconsistency keeps you wondering whether the next interaction will be a win or a loss. And when you finally experience that win, you can start to focus on it entirely too much. Something that would normally be a pretty ordinary interaction suddenly feels like proof that everything is going in the direction you hoped it would.
He finally texted you back, so maybe he does care. He finally made plans, so maybe he really was just busy. He was sweet to you last night, so maybe all of the confusion is finally over.
A “win” can make you believe there is a greater likelihood for more wins in the future. Instead of looking at the relationship for what it actually is, you start focusing on the potential of what it could become, and that’s arguably the most dangerous part.
Your imagination starts doing the work for him. You predict that the next conversation will be better, or that eventually he’ll become the person you saw glimpses of in those good moments. You start focusing more on “winning” than on asking yourself whether the dynamic is actually giving you what you need.
And sometimes, focusing on the next “win” is easier than facing the uncomfortable truth that the relationship has become one-way traffic. If you’re constantly waiting for the next text, the next plan, or the next glimpse of the person you know he could be, you don’t have to stop and ask yourself the harder question: Is this actually making me happy?
I’ve caught myself doing this before. Instead of asking why I was accepting so little effort, I was spending my energy trying to figure out how to get more of it. Instead of asking myself what was good for me, I was asking, “What am I doing wrong? What can I do to make him want to try harder?”
You might even convince yourself that the uncertainty is exciting, that you just need to be patient, that everyone has bad weeks, or that he really is busy. And maybe all of those things are true.
Someone can be busy and still make an effort, or have a complicated life and still communicate. At the same time, they can like you and still not be capable of giving you the kind of relationship you want.
And that’s something we need to get better at recognizing. We don’t have to decide that someone is a terrible person just because they aren’t showing up for us, or decode every text or find a hidden reason behind every missed opportunity. Sometimes, the answer is simply that the effort or feeling isn’t mutual. Although, it’s often difficult to fully process that and distance ourselves from the person, even when we’ve come to terms with it.
Typically, when your brain is having these slot-machine responses to someone, after a while, the dynamic will stop being fun and start to feel a little more like a full-time job. You’re constantly thinking about what they meant, when they’ll text, and when you’ll see them next.
That said, the mental work that the relationship has you doing doesn’t necessarily make it any less addicting.
An article from the Next Big Idea Club explains that, eventually, the drive for dopamine can actually disconnect from pleasure, meaning you can crave someone’s attention even when the dynamic consistently leaves you feeling frustrated or miserable.
You can know that the relationship is making you anxious and that you deserve more consistency. And you can know that your friends are tired of hearing about the same person. Regardless, you might still find yourself checking your phone, waiting for their name to pop up, or getting pulled right back in when they finally give you that little bit of attention you’ve been waiting for.
That’s what makes the cycle so difficult to break. It isn’t necessarily because you don’t know better. Sometimes, you know exactly what is happening, but you keep hoping that the next interaction will finally be the one that makes all of the waiting worth it.
In general, potential is so hard to let go of. When we really want something, accepting that we might not get it can be incredibly difficult. We hold onto the good moments because they give us something to hope for, and those moments can start to outweigh all of the inconsistency or negative experiences that came with them.
And this doesn’t even just have to do with relationships. Rejection in any area of life can be deeply difficult to let go of, whether it’s a job, a friendship, or an opportunity you really wanted. When something you were excited about dies or slowly fizzles out, it can take months to fully accept that it’s over. It’s easier to keep asking “What if?” than to accept that the answer might never come.
But when it comes to relationships, there is something we need to remember: you should not have to spend all of your time trying to figure out whether someone likes you.
When someone genuinely wants to build something with you, you shouldn’t have to constantly investigate whether they’re interested; you’ll know. That doesn’t mean they will text you every second of the day, never have a busy week, or make every single feeling obvious from the beginning. People have lives and relationships are complicated. (And of course, we can’t oversimplify something as complex as a relationship between two humans). But there is a big difference between having questions about where something is going and constantly questioning whether the other person even wants you around.
You shouldn’t have to convince yourself that the bare minimum is actually a sign of something deeper. And you shouldn’t have to keep pulling the lever on the relationship slot machine just to get a glimpse of the attention you’ve been hoping for.
Once you find someone who consistently makes the effort, you’ll wonder why you spent so much time trying to convince yourself that inconsistency was enough. You won’t spend every conversation trying to collect evidence, analyze every text, or celebrate basic effort. You’ll actually be able to breathe a little.
The right person won’t make everything perfect or eliminate every insecurity you have, but you won’t constantly be left wondering where you stand. Their interest will show up in their actions.
When someone likes you, you shouldn’t have to spend all of your time trying to convince yourself that they do.