The first step to fixing an issue is admitting to it:
I am a pathological people pleaser.
I’ve never loved this about myself, but honestly, I am proud to say that I have begun to grow out of this.
I think that saying yes in some cases can be amazing. I always try to say yes when asked to do something new, to see my friends, and to do things that bring me joy. Honestly, though, in the past, I have often found myself saying yes to too many things, ultimately wearing myself thin.
I always believed that saying no would come off as “rude” or “harsh,” and people wouldn’t want to be around someone who didn’t “go with the flow.” What I have begun to realize, though, is that I can still be someone who is “fun” and “goes with the flow,” while still putting my own needs first.
I began to notice this burnout during my sophomore year. I do my friends’ nails for fun occasionally, but I noticed that I was saying yes to them and only accommodating their schedules, even when it was inconvenient for me. I would prioritize their manicures over studying for a test, calling my mom when I needed her, or doing other things that make me happy.
Don’t get me wrong, I love doing people’s nails. But sometimes, I need a little “me time.” So I started saying no to them. Not in a rude way, but I would give them my availability, and they would let me know what times out of that worked for them. This allowed me to put up a sort of boundary and ended up making everyone happy.
I would also do this a lot when scheduling when to spend time with friends. When my friends would send a spontaneous text in the group chat asking to have movie night, I would always say yes. I never want to disappoint anyone or have me refusing to host be the reason everyone cannot hang out. So, I would always say yes.
This would cause me to push off studying for a test or procrastinate writing my latest English paper. My friends would hang out after the movie ended, probably a little too late, and would cause me to never seem to be able to catch up on work. Not only have I not completed my homework, but now I am running on less than six hours of sleep. I started saying no.
I wouldn’t say no to hanging out with my friends all the time, but just compromise when I knew school was ultimately more important. If I had a big test the next day, I would suggest a shorter movie or a trip to the hickey instead. I would also gently tell my friends that, while I love them, hanging out until past midnight wasn’t realistic for me all the time. They were completely understanding of my feelings, and honestly, many of them felt the same.
The biggest thing that I have learned about saying “no” is that it doesn’t make me a bad person, friend, or roommate. It also doesn’t mean that I am not “fun” either. It just means that, sometimes, I need to put myself first.
I am still learning how to do this. Saying no doesn’t come naturally to me, and I still tend to feel bad when I do it. What I have learned, though, is that I would rather say no and put myself first than say yes and feel overwhelmed and unhappy in the end. I have learned that putting myself first doesn’t make me selfish. Sometimes, I just need to listen to what I truly need.