My favorite running joke with my very Indian family is that, on paper, I’m basically the perfect arranged marriage candidate. I’m polite, studying to become a doctor, good with kids, value tradition, and can somehow cook complicated dishes perfectly on the first try while remaining fundamentally incapable of making plain white rice. If a man heard all of that before actually getting to know me, he might just put the ring on my finger then and there.
Oh, and one more thing: I swear I’m going to get along with my future mother-in-law. Well, at least I hope so.
But let’s say he could look past my ditsy tendencies and expensive shopping habits because, naturally, he loved me that much. I wonder if he’d reconsider everything once he found out about some of my more “unconventional” dating rules. Or perhaps more accurately, dating expectations. Dating today is a strange mix of old and new. Some expectations surrounding relationships have carried over for generations, while others have emerged alongside modern dating culture and completely changed what we expect from our partners. And though I haven’t been in a real, adult relationship yet, there is one thing I know for certain: I know what I want, and I’m not interested in settling for a relationship that doesn’t feel right for me.
So, for the girls, and maybe even the guys, who secretly relate, here are five of my slightly atypical dating outlooks that might raise a few eyebrows and perhaps scare away a man or two. Maybe they’ll even call me a “bad girlfriend–to-be.”
- I Don’t Want to See You Every Day
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I once told a friend of mine that when I’m in a relationship, I don’t want to see my boyfriend every day, talk to him all day, or make him the sole purpose of my life. Granted, I was exaggerating a little in the moment. But I distinctly remember his response: “You literally think like a man.”
@anxiouslyalej via TikTok Now, here’s the thing. In an epidemic of clingy couples, being hyper-independent is not for the weak. As much as I love love and consider myself a hopeless romantic, I don’t think the depth of a relationship is measured by how much time you spend together. Unpopular opinion: I’m actually secretly an advocate for long-distance, of course, when the circumstances are right. I cherish quality time, but I also find beauty in simply doing your own thing. As a STEM student juggling a demanding workload, leadership positions, a job, extracurriculars, and a packed Google Calendar, I don’t want a partner to become my “other half.” I’d rather he be a support system, someone who has his own life alongside mine, without our lives needing to intertwine completely. I want us to celebrate each other’s successes and show up for the accomplishments and milestones. But I also want us to give each other enough room to grow into people we’re proud of individually. I don’t think spending time apart means loving each other any less. If anything, there’s something really healthy about knowing that you could function perfectly well without each other and still actively choosing to share your lives.
So, let’s normalize not needing to hang out every single day. If I just saw you yesterday, let’s do our own thing today. And maybe tomorrow. And maybe for the rest of the week. Okay, that might be a stretch.
- We Don’t Need to Know Everything About Each Other
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Building on my first “rule,” I don’t think we need to update each other on every second of our day. Of course, I love hearing about someone’s day or the little things that excited them. But if you’re going grocery shopping or hanging out with your friends, I don’t need a play-by-play every single time. You have your own life! Live it. And I want to be able to do the same without feeling obligated to report everything back to you.
That extends beyond the mundane stuff, too. Of course, your partner should be a support system. Healthy couples communicate openly about what they’re going through, but I also think there’s a line between healthy communication and excessive oversharing. I don’t need to tell my boyfriend absolutely everything that bothers me, and I especially don’t need to tell him everything other people confide in me. One thing I’ll never understand is treating your friends’ private business as entertainment for your partner. If my friend trusts me with something personal, that trust doesn’t automatically extend to my boyfriend just because we’re dating. There are things about my friends he simply doesn’t need to know, just as I’m sure there are things his friends wouldn’t want me knowing either. And that’s okay. Relationships should come with honesty, not unrestricted access to every corner of each other’s lives.
- Yes, You Can Hang Out With Other Girls Without Me
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I sometimes wonder why I feel so strongly that I wouldn’t care if my boyfriend hung out with a group of girls, or, what some might deem even worse, one girl alone. I’ve put myself in the hypothetical situation: him texting another girl, hanging out one-on-one with a female friend without inviting me, or liking other girls’ posts. It just doesn’t bother me. Of course, that can feel very different for someone who has experienced infidelity or had their trust broken. But personally, I don’t want to enter a relationship already looking for reasons to be suspicious. If I can’t trust my boyfriend to be alone with another girl without assuming something will happen, how much do I really trust that he loves and respects me? That’s a hill I’ll die on.
I know relationships aren’t immune to cheating or bad decisions, but I have far too much going on in my own life to spend three hours wondering if my boyfriend hasn’t texted because he’s secretly cheating on me. I also can’t prevent someone from being unfaithful by monitoring who he talks to, follows, or spends time with. If he chooses to cross that boundary, that’s his choice and, ultimately, his loss. After the inevitable heartbreak, I’d rather know I dodged a bullet than spend an entire relationship trying to make sure the bullet never existed. If someone chooses me as his girlfriend, I want to trust that he’ll continue choosing me when I’m not in the room.
- Please Don’t Hold the Car Door Open Every Single Time
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As much as I love the idea of a man giving me a massive bouquet of roses and making me feel like a Disney princess, sometimes I’ll get giddy over a rom-com and think, “You would probably physically cringe if a man actually did that.” And honestly, it’s true. I love seeing men in love, and I hope one day I’ll see a man that in love with me. But I’ve always been more smitten by small gestures that don’t feel planned or performative. I don’t need someone running around to open my car door every single time or complimenting me every five seconds. I actually went on a date with a guy like that once. That was when I knew he wasn’t for me. This isn’t to shade the “nice guys.” I just find something really cute about a man who loves quietly and personally. Someone who treats me with respect, dignity, and patience, and whose gestures are tuned to me rather than pulled from a handbook on romance. Sit with me at the library while I study late for an exam. Play pickleball with me. Run errands with me during a little break in our schedule. Remember the little things that make my life easier without needing recognition for them. And I’d want to love him in those same quiet ways.
Those are the moments when love feels most genuine to me, precisely because no one else needs to see them. And maybe, somewhere between all the mean jokes and me acting like he’s not even my boyfriend, he’ll know exactly how much I really, really do love him.
- Sometimes, My Girlfriends Are Coming First
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One of my infamous quotes is “There are only two days a year you have to be nice to your boyfriend: his birthday and Valentine’s Day.” But underneath my love for the internet’s #ihatemybf trend, there’s a deeper point: your boyfriend doesn’t have to become your whole world. We’ve all feared having that friend who gets into a relationship and suddenly disappears off the face of the earth. And I’m so serious, if I ever become her, slap me straight across the face. That doesn’t mean disrespecting your boyfriend for your girlfriends or vice versa. Female friendships simply hold a different weight to me. My girlfriends are the ones who were probably there before I even met him—the people I come home to, eat dinner with, laugh uncontrollably with, and share a completely different kind of connection with. My boyfriend doesn’t need to replace that role just because he’s my boyfriend. Of course, I’d love for him to get along with my friends, but girl time is my girl time. Outside of birthdays, anniversaries, special occasions, or plans we already made, sometimes I’m choosing my girls. And I’d want him to choose his friends, too.
The internet’s infamous—and hilariously controversial—viral #ihatemybf trend. Romantic relationships deserve effort, but so do friendships. The people who loved us before we were “taken” shouldn’t automatically become secondary once our relationship status changes. So don’t call me a bad girlfriend if I’d rather hang out with my best friend than see you for the fifth time this week. Or maybe do.
Maybe one day I’ll fall ridiculously in love and laugh at everything I just wrote. But for now, I know I want someone I can love deeply without losing the life, friendships, and independence I already love, too. And if that makes me a “bad girlfriend,” I think I can live with that.