Honestly, I’m really lucky in life. In a non-concerning way, I realized this year that if I were to die today, I would die happy. At only 20, I’ve worked some of my dream jobs, I’ve traveled a good chunk of the world, I’ve seen all of my favorite artists live in concert, I’ve given back to my community, I could go on and on. The point is, I’ve accomplished a lot andthat’s something to be proud of. But that only applies to me, and being content with my life. Something I have feared my whole life is losing people I love. I refused to imagine a world without the people I love and never prepared for the day they would be gone. But just because you don’t prepare for something doesn’t mean it won’t happen.
I was 13 when I first lost somebody. I didn’t know how to deal with it. I feel like you never expect it sometimes. My friend was in his late twenties and got into an accident while skateboarding. When you read about that, your mind doesn’t lead to death. So when I found out he never woke up, it felt like the world stopped. How can somebody just die like that? It doesn’t make sense. But that’s how death is. When it happens, there’s no going back and you’re just stuck having to deal with it. A year later, I lost another friend to COVID-19. She was in her late 80’s, so some could say it was bound to happen, but something I couldn’t seem to comprehend is how someone you didn’t see that often can feel like such a space missing in your heart when they’re gone. Ithurts even more when you don’t get to say goodbye. These were friends, yes, but they weren’t family, so why did it hurt so much?
That’s because there’s still love there, no matter how long ago you saw them, or how close you were. The heart will yearn for something that’s gone, especially when you can’t get it back. It’s always going to hurt when you lose someone, but coping is a whole other story. When I was 16, a friend from childhood committed suicide. That was a whole new avenue of grief I have never explored. I hadn’t seen her since I was 8, but it hit me knowing that I would never see her again. Knowing someone who I once saw everyday, who used to paint my nails or play hide and seek with me was so depressed to the point of no return hurt my soul. I felt bad that I wasn’t there, I felt bad for her family, I felt bad as a whole. Even though she had people in her life and there was nothing I could do, it felt so preventable and I felt guilty despite not having anything to do with what happened. But it hadn’t hit me fully. At this point in my life, I became the comforter. I was the shoulder to cry on the person to help make sure everything is taken care of, I wasn’t the person who broke down. But she was the first funeral I attended, and seeing the casket go down made me lose it. It fully hit me that there was no going back, that someone so young was gone already. That even when you don’t expect it, people from all different points in your life can be gone in an instant. But I was still lucky, because I didn’t lose anyone in my family.
So as we’ve seen, I’ve had my experiences with death and the grief that follows. Compared to others, I’m lucky I went 13 years without knowing what that felt like. But now that I do, you would think I would be more prepared when it happens. But the funny thing about death is you can prepare for losing someone all you want, but you can never prepare for the pain that follows. For me, I never prepare at all. Like I said in the beginning, it’s like I refused to imagine a world without the people I love. And even after losing some people, that never changed. In my 20 years of life, I hadn’t lost anyone in my family. So what I hadn’t prepared for was for that to end. 2 years ago, I left Thailand. I told myself that instead of waiting 4 years to come back again, I would find a way to come back in 2. I left behind my mother’s side of my family. A family that although I cannot speak with and don’t see that often, have so much love for. I left behind my cousins, my aunts, my uncles and grandparents. And for one of me, that would be the last time I saw my granddad. Two years later, the day I get back from one of my trips away and the day before I leave for another, my dad had let me know my granddad had a stroke and he’s not expected to make it. But I still had hope, because he’s got to make it, he can’t die. Not yet. Not ever. So, what can I do from this side of the pond?hat can I do at all? My mom was already on her way there, and my parents made it clear that if I went, I would be in the way. So my dad and I went on our trip as planned and as soon as we arrived, we heard the news. Once again, it didn’t hit me. I didn’t believe it. I didn’t see my granddad at all, but what do you mean I would never see him again? I went through the whole trip not processing it at all. It wasn’t until I got home that I felt the emptiness. This past month has just felt like there’s a pit in my stomach. I’ll be fine all day and then when I’m alone at night just cry myself to sleep. It’s like the pain doesn’t go away and I haven’t learned how to cope with it. I don’t really understand how to process things like this. Everything around me overall feels generally sad and there’s no way I can make it better and no way to get my granddad back. It doesn’t feel real because I didn’t get to say goodbye again. I missed out on my last moments with my granddad and missed out on seeing that side of my family again. Losing him taught me that if anything were to really happen, there is nothing I can do about it and I have to learn how to get through it alone. It’s a horrible feeling because even though it’s been years since I’ve seen him, every little memory and moment comes flooding back and you can only relive it with so much sadness. So many things you would’ve wished you did differently, wishing I taught myself Thai so I can speak to him just once before he died, actually committing to visiting this year, and maybe I would’ve been able to see him one last time. Although there’s nothing I could’ve done, it doesn’t make me any less sad. And no matter how many times I’ve gone through this, I haven’t learned how to process losing someone. It’s been a month and I feel like I haven’t made any progress. It seems like the more time goes on, the more I miss my grandad and the more I wish I could go back in time. But I can’t and that’s the hardest part about facing my biggest fear of losing those I love, never getting the chance to go back and see them one last time. Never getting to say goodbye. So, there is no guide to overcoming this fear yet, and there probably isn’t any way to make the experience better. But no matter how hard or how sad grieving is, it’s something that everyone does differently, something I relearn every time I go through it. A lot of people learn how to overcome their fears, but I leave this wondering if there’s ever a way to overcome a fear of loss.