Alyssa Shelasky cheated on every boyfriend she had in her 20s. Not because she was a terrible human (although, she says, her exes may disagree), but because nobody ever told her there was an honest way to want more than one person. “Monogamy wasn’t right for me,” the writer and author tells Her Campus in an exclusive interview. “I didn’t have the language, and I didn’t have the tools [to understand non-monogamy].

As the writer of The Cut column Sex Diaries, Shelasky gets into the minds of her weekly subjects, who each navigate love in wildly different ways. For one week, a person spills all of the dirty details about their sex life to Shelasky, which she uses to create Sex Diaries. And after editing over 600 articles, Shelasky has become a quiet authority on how people actually love, not how they’re supposed to. “My goal is to examine the person next to you on the subway; not the coolest girl in the room, not the most sexually evolved person who has it all figured out,” she says. “Just regular people moving through the world.”

This work led Shelasky to publish her newest book, Sex Diaries: Real-Life Stories of Non-Monogamy and Polyamory — a compilation of 21 of these stories about choosing love outside traditional lines. The Sex Diaries book reads like 21 intimate bedtime stories, but it’s a lot less about sex and a lot more about modern dating and love.

The diaries range from a 67-year-old woman with a partner in every city to a young artist overwhelmed at their first sex party. Each diarist has a unique, but always relatable, relationship with love. Some are happy. Some feel lost. But all are ordinary people who chose to explore love outside of the traditional confines of monogamy. “At the very least, I think people are going to see that these aren’t ‘freaks.’ [These diarists] aren’t swingers and porn stars,” Shelasky says. “Hopefully, there’s going to be a little bit of destigmatization.”

There are versions of ethical non-monogamy or polyamory or monogamish dating everywhere. It’s not just Bushwick, Brooklyn.

Whether you’ve actually considered non-monogamy or not, chances are you’ve questioned what modern dating is supposed to look like. Maybe it’s the situationship that’s always on the back burner, even when you’re dating other people. Maybe it’s playing the field and defying labels. Or, maybe, it’s questioning why exclusivity feels like a default instead of an open conversation. And while these experiences aren’t technically the same as non-monogamous relationships, they reflect something Gen Z is becoming increasingly comfortable with: challenging the traditional script for relationships.

Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term — and it includes everything that sits outside the traditional lines of exclusivity, with the consent of a partner or partners. There’s polyamory, which is having multiple romantic or sexual relationships at the same time. There are open relationships, where a couple agrees to pursue other people while still being committed to one another. There’s even the term called “monogamish,” coined by author Dan Savage, which describes couples who are mostly monogamous, but open to an occasional exception.

And these relationships are piquing interest in Gen Zers: A 2023 study by Tinder found that 41% of Gen Z respondents are open to or seeking non-monogamous relationships. Additionally, open relationships (36%) and hierarchical polyamory (26%) are the most popular types of non-monogamous relationships. “When we decided to do the Sex Diaries book, I wasn’t sure there would be enough stories [about non-monogamy],” Shelasky says. “But what I learned [is that] there are versions of ethical non-monogamy or polyamory or monogamish dating everywhere. It’s not just Bushwick, Brooklyn. It’s everywhere.”

It’s cool to be monogamous. It doesn’t mean you’re boring or vanilla, but it should be a choice, and it should be a conversation.

Even Shelasky, who now considers herself to be in a happily monogamous relationship, says compiling the book changed the way she thinks about her own relationship. “There’s a way to start looking at our own monogamous relationships as if the monogamy itself is a choice that we made because it’s right for us, not because it was imposed upon us, or it’s what society tells us to do,” she says. “It’s cool to be monogamous. It doesn’t mean you’re boring or vanilla, but it should be a choice, and it should be a conversation.”

Exploring non-monogamy isn’t a frivolous thing. In fact, it thrives on a skill that is essential to any good relationship: communication. “While communication is the most daunting part about poly life to a lot of people, I think that it’s the secret for most of us,” she says. “You have to talk. You have to tell your partner the truth about your feelings, and early, in my opinion; the earlier, the better. And once you get it out or can laugh about it, you’re destined for so much more joy together.”

At the end of the day, Shelasky and Sex Diaries aren’t encouraging you to cheat on your partner. And they’re not telling you to open up your relationship — just to open your mind to the idea that the way you love is a choice. And for a generation still figuring out exactly what that choice looks like, having the tools, the language, and the guidance to freely explore is exactly what we need.

Alyssa Shelasky Wants Gen Z To Rethink Non-Monogamy

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