Every time I wake up, I start my day by saying, “okay, today will be the day.” I’ll be fully productive, I’ll study, I’ll clean my room, I’ll start eating healthier, hence, I’ll get my life together.
And I utterly believe this. I’m serious for a solid 10 minutes.
Then I shower, get ready, and my brain shuts off… I suddenly would just prefer to go back to bed, watch TikTok, and continue thinking about delusional scenes with my current crush.
Step 1: mentally preparing myself (for absolutely no reason)
It isn’t and will never be a simple “start,” I do not just sit down and do things. I have to mentally prepare myself first and lay out my day by time.
I’ll be like, “okay, let me shower, look put together.” Then I would go look for my iPad, and just after opening it, I deserve a phone break. I already did too much.
Except every little step becomes a reason for a break.
Opening the iPad? Phone break.
Opening HuskyCT? Phone break.
Downloading the material? Phone break.
At this point, I’ve done everything except actually start studying.
The inside conversation that never ends
And now this is where it gets really bad. I don’t just procrastinate…I start talking to myself.
Not out loud (most of the time, anyway), then my roommate is listening about it. But full conversations in my head.
I start rethinking my whole life.
Like, what new clothes do I want?
What am I going to get my mom for Mother’s Day? It’s March 25 by the way.
What will I eat today?
What series do I want to watch?
Whose Instagram do I want to stalk? My crush’s, of course. Girls get me.
Point being that I just ended up talking nonsense for 15 minutes and did zero studying.
Like, seriously, I should self-diagnose myself with ADHD.
Let me just get comfortable
Then I convince myself the problem is the environment I’m in: “Maybe I just need to be eating something and get more comfortable.”
So, I’m adjusting my chair like I’m about to be in an eight-hour flight. I get up, look for multiple snacks, and re-fill my water bottle.
Then I put on some concentration music, acting like even that isn’t going to distract me.
At this point, everything seems perfect, except I’m still not doing anything.
I sadly look at the six-foot pink bean bag laid out perfectly in the center of the dorm room, waiting for me to cuddle in it. Such good naps there.
By the way, it’s still 9:30 a.m.
The bean bag unanimously wins
Obviously. I’m so weak willed that the “look” the bean bag was giving me won.
I’m suddenly in the bean bag watching TikTok, very happy.
I just lose complete motivation. Or any I had, at least.
Six or seven minutes ago, I was thinking, “today will be such a productive day.”
Me now: “I need to lie down a while, it’s too early for chemistry.”
I’d been through a lot already (opening the laptop and downloading the material).
Studying so early feels illegal at this point. The options are either taking a nap or doomscrolling. How about both?
A TYPE OF PRODUCTIVE
Suddenly, I get the urge to be productive again. Just not the way I should be.
Now, I’m cleaning the microwave, neatening my clothing boxes, organizing my desk, and folding the clean clothes in my laundry basket that I’ve ignored for days.
Why is my room so empty when I have things to do?
Me: “I can’t study in a messy room.”
Also me: cleans the room and still can’t seem to do anything academic.
Amazing.
Tomorrow will be my day
It’s midnight. I still haven’t done anything. And guess what? I’m a firm believer in getting a good night’s sleep to be productive the next day.
Ironic, right?
I didn’t study, I didn’t even finish cleaning.
But I did in fact:
Have 20 different conversations with myself.
Imagine a relationship that doesn’t exist.
Organize everything except my academic life.
Hence, I was busy all day.
Let’s do this again tomorrow!