Four years for anyone else is a measurement of time; for me, that’s 126 docs opened, 1,648 pages written, and two physical drafts stuffed into my desk. When I was 14, I was audacious enough to think I could write a best-selling novel. Now at 19, I feel like it’s a goal that’s further than ever.
One step forward, three steps back. That’s the definitive statement of my perfectionism in writing — never quite reaching the end because I’m always looking backwards.
Book Writing 101 goes like this: don’t edit while you write. The longer my process of critiquing and nitpicking my own writing, the more I feel like every word I write is wrong. So, what did I do? I let my thoughts spill onto the page, no editing, not yet. I wrote a draft in five weeks, and it wasn’t good enough.
Getting Louder
My inner hysteria is fully driven by my fixation to be creative, connected, and good at something. It makes me make minor mistakes in my outline process that trickle into larger plot-holes later, which leave me more frustrated. I take writing my book as seriously as the next unemployed person, so when I find something wrong in my planning, it really breaks my flow.
When you get trapped in a loop when writing a book, it’s different because you’re stuck with the characters you’ve created. They’re the most pressing matter until you figure out what you’re going to do. Whether you’re in a period where you’re writing or just in an endless and fruitless editing process, you’re always thinking about this book.
Normal day conversations you overhear are translated into “Is this how my dialogue is supposed to sound?” A song you’ve heard a million times is now perfectly attuned to your favorite character’s arc. Spacing out during class means you’re thinking about whether the stakes you wrote last night are good enough to pull in an audience.
99% of writers don’t become best-selling authors, and no one wants to think that their dream is hopeless — especially me, who can’t accept failure. It became my ice breaker; my detailed, foremost project, and I loved it.
Struggle with Improvement
With most problems in my life, they’re glaringly apparent, and I’m precisely self-aware, yet the problem never goes away. I find myself unable to read because once I start reading someone else’s writing, I want to get back into my own story.
Writer’s block is a very common term and experience for writers alike; it’s different when you’re months into a project, and you simply don’t know where to go next. I found that something that helps me is outlining, and more specifically, speaking about my plans out loud to someone.
I’d compare this directly with something that could be called “writer’s mania,” which tends to strike me when boredom is eating me alive, or during finals week. At least I get my thoughts out in the form of dozens of pages and chapters, and for a good three months, I’ll feel like I can see the end.
My perfectionism manifests itself as the idea that I know I can do better. My final draft can’t be something I can see holes in, but for some reason, I can’t get past that middle stage.
Finding Comfort in Reality
Sometimes, taking a breath of fresh air and stepping away is the best thing to do. They say once you finish your first draft, ignore it completely for three months before you come back and edit it so you can see it with new eyes. I think that works on your first draft. No matter how many times I step away from my current project, tweak the storyline, solve plot holes, etc., there’s always the obstacle of my own doubts about it.
That can just mean it wasn’t a good premise to begin with, or maybe it means I have to mature as a writer before I publish a book.
Then I saw a documentary about finishing a book in four years. The next day, I saw it on shelves all over my town. That struck me right between the ribs, and that desire to be an author: that’s what keeps me going. So, if it’s a new idea or finally letting my old drafts transform into something I’m happy with, I’ll follow my creative dream.
Now that I’ve said all this, from the bottom of my heart, if you want to write a book — even just a little bit — go for it! It’ll be one of the best experiences of your life, if not one of the most grueling. Yet, we know that pain is beauty, and art is just that.
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