I think that throughout my college career, albeit short so far, I have always been afraid to ask for help, or really, ask for anything. From meetings, to extensions, to questions about a topic I was confused about in class, I just feel like I can never muster up the courage to raise my hand.
I think that throughout high school, asking for things was easy because I felt like I knew everyone. I knew my teachers, I knew the people in my class, and I knew my identity as a high school student. I was the one with the perfect grades, the perfect goals, and the perfect plan to ensure that I was able to achieve both. But coming to college, this sense of knowing has all but disappeared. That secure sense of belonging is gone. I have endless feelings of imposter syndrome, and I haven’t been comfortable enough to ask for help because I’m afraid of being judged. But more often than not, I often feel like I’m making a big deal out of nothing. Like, this can’t be the biggest concern that I have when people are, on the more extreme side, dying, or when there are people at the same school as me doing much worse than I currently am.
I feel like I’m constantly in this limbo of feeling misunderstood by others, or even by myself. More importantly, I struggle to understand why there has been such a switch for me in regards to my academics and social life since graduating from high school. Have I really changed so much in comparison to the girl that I was a year ago today? Is this feeling of trying to chase the person I once was going to persist forever?
I’ve had to realize that, firstly, I as a person am always changing. From the moment I started writing this to now, I have changed as an individual. In terms of self-realization and aging, I am forever evolving into a new person. I have never, and will never be, my ultimate self because that version of me is impossible. Maybe the reason why I have been going down my specific path, with my newfound problems, is that in order for me advance to the next stage of my life, I have to struggle just a tiny bit. I have to be a little bit uncomfortable because comfort leads to a plateau. I think that my journey has allowed me to really figure out who I am as a person, what I need in order to prosper, and what I hope to finally achieve when I’m looking back on this day, even from five minutes into the future.
I think that college is probably the best place to have this life crisis. I have the ability to truly experience a variety of new things every single day. I can meet new people, go to new places, try new things, all without having dire consequences. It’s also the perfect place to ask questions. Inquiry is one of the most fundamental aspects of life, and who are we as people if not curious?
I have decided to welcome this crisis, to welcome my feelings. Even though it is scary, these feelings allow me to continue growing into a better person. And maybe, at the end of the day, I will finally have the courage to raise my hand and ask for the help that I need.