Within the last year or so, the word “overstimulated” has taken the place of “overwhelmed” in my vocabulary. It’s used when there are too many things in my room, too many people talking at one time, when I’m doing my hair, trying to order food at a restaurant, or trying to leave on time.
When I get to this point, I need everyone to get out of my space immediately or simply stop talking. This may be harsh, but I’d rather kick everyone out than react incorrectly.
I’ve realized that a lot of the time, I excuse my behavior simply because I’m overstimulated, and that’s just what happens. It is an excuse to react in an unkind manner and, realistically, just be straight up mean. My boyfriend, siblings, and parents have all fallen victim to this behavior.
I get overwhelmed, especially when I can see a line forming behind me, and suddenly nobody knows what they want to buy or order. I always said it was because people were not as socially aware as I was. Is that true? Probably not.
Maybe it’s a lack of patience. Maybe it’s a lack of understanding.
I have always valued kindness. I want people to view me as kind, compassionate, and soft. I try my best to follow the golden rule, but when my patience runs thin, I struggle to maintain this effort.
I realized that many people, especially my boyfriend, excuse my behavior or give me the benefit of the doubt because they understand it’s not personal; I am just overwhelmed at the moment and react accordingly. Every time it happens, I stand my ground and defend my actions, usually putting the blame back on them by complaining that they didn’t do something right or help me when I needed it.
Afterwards, I realize how hurtful I have been. I’m not going through a lot; I’m just simply being mean. The guilt consumes me, and I apologize for my behavior. I absolutely hate any form of confrontation, especially when I am in the wrong. Most of the time, they forgive me, and we move on. But sometimes they cannot forget about it, which is completely fair.
There are some things I realized that the people in my life have put up with that I would never take if I were in their shoes. It forced me to reflect, take a few extra seconds, breathe, and think about how my words and actions will be received. I have worked and worked on being more patient, and yet whenever my fingers get stuck in my hair, or my brother is playing his saxophone right in the room when people are talking, I tend to get straight up nasty.
To respond to this, I try to solve problems before they even start. If I know a lot of people will be in my room, I clean up and move everything out of my sight that may stress me out later. I try to encourage people to know what they want to order ahead of time, before I think I might get stressed. I force myself to be ready 15 minutes earlier than necessary, to ensure I make it on time. All simple things that I hope will stop me from being mean, to feel in control, and not to let my “overstimulation” control my emotions