Growing up, I had a hard time expressing confidence in myself. I always felt the need to be perfect or to be successful in everything I touched. It was hard for me to get accustomed to the idea that I didn’t have something wrong with me. I had and still have a lot of insecurity when it comes to myself. Though I always tried to make it up by helping others or by being useful in their lives. I always believed that by serving others, I could make up for all the parts that I lacked. It is as if I could be loved by being there for others rather than being able to be loved for being myself.
My insecurities stemmed deep, from my body, my height, how loud I could be, what I talk about, to my academic standpoint. It didn’t matter how hard I tried to fit in, or how hard I tried to achieve, nothing was ever enough with myself. I would overwork myself daily, trying to prove to an audience that wasn’t there what I was capable of. Sometimes it’s still hard to imagine that my presence itself is a reward for people.
A lot of the time, it is easier to imagine that my accomplishments would be better appreciated than my personality. It’s hard to wake up and talk to people without feeling like you’re saying something wrong. It is a constant weight that you carry that seems impossible to let go. As if it’s something that constantly stays by your side that tells you every little thing that’s wrong with you and eats you away. It’s not the fact that it’s what you think, it’s that you are convinced it’s all true. It shapes not only yourself, but the way you view the environment and those around you. It makes it harder to trust people, or fully be vulnerable with someone that cares.
I’ve learned that it’s important to cultivate confidence in yourself, even though I still have a hard time being sure of myself and my accomplishments. Sometimes, reminding myself that I am human helps me. Confidence isn’t something that you’re born with, it’s something that grows within you. It’s about the small steps that it takes to get to the position in which one is able to be proud and happy in themselves. Other people will not cultivate this self-love, it all has to be one’s own mind and heart.
Sometimes insecurity can even bring awareness to oneself, and instead of viewing it as something completely negative, it’s important to try to make it a positive example for one’s own view. Insecurity doesn’t disappear or go away. It’s not something temporary that solves itself, rather you need to take initiative to grow past it and gain that self-love you are worthy of. It takes a lot of time and patience to cultivate such love, so please learn to be kind to yourself and take all the steps necessary to do so.