It’s hard having a genetic mood disorder, and I don’t think people talk about it enough. You’ll find post after post on social media spreading awareness of or about someone’s experiences with depression, anxiety, or ADHD. On a rare occasion, a post naturally pops up about disorders like bipolar.
I want to see more representation of people like me, how they feel and how their life has been affected. I realized that these feelings might mean that others feel this way, too. So I want to step out of my comfort zone and talk about my life with bipolar disorder.
Different Representation
When I say I want more representation, I mean I want to see people like me. Plenty of characters in media have bipolar disorder, but knowing these characters are supposed to represent the same disorder I have makes me feel like I’m crazy. Monica and Ian from Shameless are characters that come to mind. Rue from Euphoria is another well-known character with bipolar, but is, once again, a dysfunctional addict.
I hate thinking that this representation might be how the public views people with bipolar. People might see characters like these and assume everyone with bipolar is a dysfunctional addict who sometimes wants to get better for a limited time. I’m not trying to say that people don’t experience bipolar like that, but that’s not the full picture. It’s not how my life is, and it’s not how my life has been, so I’m sure others share my sentiment. People with bipolar should have supportive representation.
Growing up
Most people with bipolar don’t present until late adolescence or early adulthood, but my symptoms appeared when I was in elementary school. I was labeled an emotional child who felt every small thing dramatically. What this looked like to others was a child who could be bouncing off the walls happy or completely defeated and uninterested in everything, with no in between.
As I entered middle school, I was labeled a weird kid. It was based less on my lows and more on my highs; I was loud, I made strange sounds, and I reacted to situations in extreme, impulsive ways. But the label that stuck with me most was in high school. I was the mean teenager with anger issues.
I hated having these labels, and it felt like no matter what I did or whatever therapy my parents put me in, it never got better. Once I got medicated at 19, people started describing me as normal and easier to be around.
My thoughts
Sometimes, I feel like the people around me were more affected by my bipolar than I was. My bipolar symptoms felt so normal to me that I never saw the difference, and there were few indicators that I wasn’t “normal.” I often felt like I was experiencing my life in third person, having an out-of-body experience that was unsettling instead of eye-opening. Sometimes I slept for over 12 hours a day and wasn’t able to leave my bed. Sometimes I wouldn’t sleep for days on end and couldn’t eat without feeling sick.
But to me, I was just me, and it hurt to feel like people in my life couldn’t love me the way I was. What hurt even more was that I couldn’t help it. It’s not my fault that my brain is the way it is. And if you’re feeling the same hurt, it’s not your fault, either.
It’s hard to describe my experience with bipolar, but I want others like me to know that what they’re feeling is OK, and it’s OK if they don’t have the words for it. If you’re someone with bipolar or any other mood/personality disorder, know that you’re not crazy. It’s gonna be okay.