Amid ordering graduation regalia, scheduling photo sessions, and coordinating post-grad plans, there is often a looming feeling heavy on the minds of college students nearing the end of their undergraduate career.
The source of this underlying anxiety or dread can vary. For some of us, there is also a tinge of something else embedded in those tender emotions: guilt. As a first-generation college student, I have found that part of me feels guilty for accomplishing something that no one else in my family has been able to do.
It was difficult for me to put into words what I was feeling at first. However, every time I talked with my mother about graduation plans, tasks, or times, I felt my stomach drop. The vicarious excitement and longing regret in her eyes made my heart feel torn between being grateful to be the first woman in my family to earn a degree, and filled with anger and despair that my mother—and her mother, and her mother—never had the opportunity to do so.
Not only was my mother not allowed to go to college, but she also likely would not have had the funds or resources to get a higher education. While I am so grateful for the privilege to attend college through financial assistance and her constant push that it was something I had to do, I only wish it were an experience we could share.
These past four years have not been easy, so I want to be able to celebrate my accomplishment. As someone who navigated the higher education system without familiarity or guidance, the odds of graduating were not in my favor.
The first step to overcoming this guilt is to take the time to reflect, share my experience, and offer advice to help myself and other first-generation students who feel similar reservations. So, hopefully, we can enjoy the achievement of earning that degree.
Challenges faced by first-generation students
There are roughly 8.2 million first-generation college students in the United States, and according to Access Opportunity, only 20% of students whose parents never went to college complete their undergraduate degrees. The graduation rate for first-generation college students within four years is approximately 24%. This is notably lower than the 59% graduation rate for continuing-generation students, according to FirstGen Forward.
Challenges first-generation college students face that lead to lower success rates include minimal experience and knowledge of higher education systems, financial pressure, imposter syndrome, academic gaps, and a lower sense of belonging.
“First-generation college students are always focused on surviving, getting to the next semester, the next job, the next sibling’s college admissions, and trying to fit in with kids who do not understand us all while navigating an educational system that we were not prepared for,” wrote Becca Erdenbulgan, a first-generation graduate from Brown University.
However, many higher education institutions, including the University of Central Florida, have resources and programs to help first-generation college students succeed. These could include professional development events, specialized advising, dedicated financial assistance, and other services.
The science behind cycle-breaking guilt
Navigating the tangible obstacles is one thing, but first-generation students often have to deal with the emotional toll of trailblazing alone and feeling they don’t deserve to be the one to break the cycle.
This guilt stems from feelings of selfishness for having access to opportunities their parents did not have, managing “imposter syndrome” in a classroom full of supported students, and feeling obligated to succeed to make their family’s struggles worth it, according to the Mathematical Association of America.
“The hardest aspects of being a first-generation college student can be the feeling of abandoning our parents, their way of life, and our community,” Erdenebulgan wrote.
First-generation students often experience a “shift in identity, leading to a sense of loss,” according to The Washington Post, that is then translated to feeling as if they have abandoned their family by breaking tradition.
There are several resources at UCF to help first-generation students process and manage these feelings of regret and guilt leading up to graduation. Support is available through the Office of First-Generation Student Success, the Division of Student Success and Well-Being, and Counseling and Psychological Services at the university.
creating pathways for those to come
At the end of the day, I know my family would not want me succumbing to the limiting feeling of guilt. They would want me to celebrate the fact that I did something that was never a possibility for them. It’s what I know they wanted for me.
For first-generation students who feel like their families have not supported or understood the weight of their endeavor, know that I see you. You are creating pathways for generations to come and enabling them to follow in your footsteps. It feels lonely at times, but it’s important to remember that we’re not alone—about 8.2 million other students are experiencing similar situations and sensations.
In May, I will graduate from UCF with a dual degree in journalism and English literature, with an undergraduate certificate in editing and publishing. I accomplished this despite those who were supposed to support me saying women weren’t meant to go to college. Despite countless late nights and early mornings, navigating an unfamiliar system alone, lacking the funds to comfortably afford an education, and carrying the guilt of being the one to break the cycle, I earned two degrees in four years.
If there were only one person I could thank, it would without a doubt be my mother. Her constant support and push for me to get a higher education, ever since I can remember, is the only reason I made it this far. I can only hope to make her, and all of those before me, proud.
So, for the woman who taught me to walk when I was small, I will find the courage to walk across that stage.