Throughout my life, I have been labelled “high maintenance” by the men I have dated, my friends, and even my family… sometimes. But that, to me, is not an insult.
Being “high maintenance” has been misbranded for years and used as a warning sign to belittle women and make them feel as though they are “too much’’ or are asking “too much’’ of others and their lives.
But in reality, being high maintenance has nothing to do with other people. It has everything to do with yourself.
High maintenance simply means that you care about yourself and your surroundings, and that you are dedicated to fulfilling the life that you want to lead.
It means you are someone who demands self-respect and carries herself accordingly.
Society teaches us how important it is to maintain our cars by taking them for their yearly MOT, and to maintain our homes by hoovering every day. On a larger scale, businesses are constantly working to maintain or elevate their status as successful companies. There is something striking, then, in the juxtaposition between the historical and ongoing objectification of women. We are so often reduced to things to be looked at, owned, or valued – we are seen as objects. So it is quite ironic that women are rarely afforded the same level of grace and care we instinctively give to literal objects.
So why is it that when a woman treats herself with the same level of care society expects us to give to material things, she is suddenly deemed “too much” or “self-centred”?
I would argue that, at the end of the day, when we come home from maintaining our businesses and our cars, the only thing we truly have is ourselves. Why shouldn’t we take care of ourselves, when the one person we are guaranteed to be with for the rest of our lives is ourselves?
Real life examples of women being ‘’high maintenance’
Isabelle Eyman writes about her struggles with navigating the term “high maintenance,’’ specifically in the context of dating. She writes that “I believed my job was to be chosen – to make myself attractive to someone else. That was long before I even asked the more important question: Do I actually like them?’’
Crystal Levy also writes that her ex-husband divorced her because she was too “high maintenance’’ as he could not wrap his mind around her desire to express herself through clothing or makeup. Levy claims that she never apologised for who she was, but she’d be lying if she said it didn’t affect her.
As women, we are conditioned to aspire to fit a certain societal–read:patriarchal–mould. We are pushed to subscribe to being this ideal agreeable woman, and we may forget to ask, “How does this affect me?’’ Or, when it comes to dating, “Wait, do I actually like him?”
How can we own being “High Maintenance’’
It’s also important to note that it does seem reductive to only use the examples of women putting on make-up as forms of “high maintenance,’’ as it feeds into the traditional feminine stereotypes often used to derogate women. However, what this does is oversimplify the cause and broaden the picture of how quickly people are to box women in and ignore all the ways in which women exercise their agency and passions.
Women do so many things that are deemed ‘’high maintenance’’ but are really just cool. Think about all the amazing female artists that have painted their way into history, like Frida Kahlo, or Agnes Forbes Blackladder, who was the first woman to ever graduate from St. Andrew’s University.
We must take these women as examples: when we decide to step outside that box and really start to choose ourselves and engage in a life that aligns perfectly with our values, being “high maintenance” becomes a form of empowerment not only for ourselves but also for the world and the people around us.
The reason I love it when someone says to me, “Lila, you are so high maintenance,” is that it shows I am clearly doing something right. The truth is, maintenance requires effort and accountability. For example, when something is not serving me, whether it is a job or a friendship, it is important to recognise that boundary and let go of what no longer aligns with my values. But it is also embedded in the little things, like waking up every day and immediately making my bed, or getting my essay in before it is due. These small things help me feel more motivated and organised, and lead me one step closer to alignment with my goals.
So, all that being high maintenance really means is that you hold yourself to a standard not for approval or attention but because you respect the life you are living and you can see the life that you will be leading.