Is it so bad that I want to be loved in the same way I love people? Everyone says that love should be unconditional and that you should give it to people without expecting anything in return. Kindness doesn’t take anything from you, right, so be kind without a reason. But why? Why should I give my all without any expectations? Why should I put myself out there without expecting to be treated with the same respect and care? Do I need to be kind to someone who has betrayed me? If yes, then am I being kind to myself?
My friends back home always told me that I’m very nonchalant and I never really care what people say, even if they spread a hundred rumours about me. I always took a lot of pride in being comfortable with myself and not letting anyone get under my skin. Don’t confuse me for a pushover, because that was the last thing I was. I used to pick up fights whenever I felt disrespected; it’s just that I cared too much about preserving my energy for more important tasks than dissecting what other people thought of me. Then one day I heard someone say—” Oh, you can say anything to Garima, she is very unbothered. She’s like a stone.” And that made me feel terrible. Are you kidding me? Somehow, feeling secure is equivalent to being heartless?
So I tried getting affected. Yeah, it sounds stupid, I know, but I actually tried thinking twice about everything. What people said, in which tone they said it, and whether there were undertones in the statement. This small experiment actually changed my brain chemistry. Because, unfortunately, now I care too much. It might be a good thing, but it surely takes up a lot of my energy.
Earlier, if I got treated badly, I would just leave, cut off the friendship. No need for closure or anything. But now things are different. Now, I will question everything. Why am I not being treated right by this person? Why do I feel disrespected? Why am I not receiving the same love and kindness that I am showing them?
If someone says something bad about me, I’ll question it. How can they say that? Then one day I was told that—” Garima, the world doesn’t revolve around you. Let it go.” Wrong. Not to be narcissistic, but the world actually does revolve around me. I am living my own life, not someone else’s, so yes, I am the main character of my life, and I’m allowed to feel hurt.
Now it has become too difficult for me to leave. Even when I get hurt, I stay. I stay long enough for them to make it up, long enough to cry about the same thing a million times. And then I will foolishly ask myself—” How come this never happened before?” It never happened because I have always been too quick to leave. I have left without goodbyes and a farewell letter, without giving the other person a reason or a chance to apologize. Because of which I lost some really good and genuine people in my life, and I will always regret that. But now I’m trying, and I feel I’m trying too hard. I’ll hold on to the person with my white knuckles and pray that they treat me nicely. Basically, the complete opposite of what I was.
Now, how should I find a middle ground? When to know that it’s time to finally let go? How to recognise my cue to pack up my bags and leave? Which is worse—having scars on my hands from holding on too tight or playing ‘what if’ scenarios in my mind on repeat?
People change with time, and I am changing. I’m not very comfortable with this version of myself and quite unsure whether this is a good personality development or not. And I really want to revert back to my old ways, but I also think that I should give this version of myself a second chance as well. Let her live for some time, maybe get hurt on multiple occasions. If nothing, at least I’ll have some funny stories to tell later about how I did a full one-eighty.
Experiencing both personalities has confused me a lot, but it has also taught me a few things. One thing I realised is that there can be a million interpretations of a statement. What worked best for me was to choose the interpretation that I liked the most for my peace of mind. Secondly, you’re not too emotional, selfish, or irrational for feeling bad about not being treated with the same kindness. Because at the end of the day, it is your life, and you are the main character, thinking about your feelings doesn’t make you self-centered. It makes you human.