When I was 14, I realized I had no idea who I was. Now at 20, I’ve found myself back in that same spot. The feeling is familiar – a sharp emptiness, a confusion, a sense of imposter syndrome wherever I go. I’m wondering how I got here again and trying to remember how I made my way out of it before.
The transitional period between my childhood and my teenage years felt frightening. I found myself at a loss with every encounter. I suddenly wondered why I felt like something had to have changed when outwardly, very little had. Every social interaction felt like a misstep. Every attempt to make myself feel pretty felt like I was putting on a performance that I wasn’t qualified to give, and I didn’t feel genuinely myself. I didn’t know how to feel genuine when I had no sense of self.
My sense of self eventually returned, and I realized I was in a transitional period. I was somewhere between being a little kid and being a teenager, and trying to figure out the balance. I felt like nothing had changed, but so much had. I was becoming aware that my appearance determined how I’d be treated, that some of my friendships were less than ideal, and that boys would more often than not disappoint me.
As I enter my 20s, I’m faced with different obstacles, but ones that make me feel remarkably similar. Again, I find myself in a transitional period—I’m no longer a teenager, but adulthood feels out of reach.
I never had everything figured out, and I don’t believe anyone actually can. Life is a constant state of growing and overcoming, but there are parts of it that feel more aimless than others. Now my questions are different: Am I pursuing the right major? How do I maintain closeness with the people I cherish but no longer see every day? Will I ever be able to afford a house?
When I first started university, I was excited by the freedom. When I went to class, no one knew me, and the anonymity was thrilling. I explored the opportunity to dress how I wanted and present myself the way I always felt I should in high school, but lacked the courage to. Planning my own time was exciting and new. I felt like I was starting from scratch, and I got to dive into a new life. But that life isn’t as new to me anymore. I’m almost three years in, and everything I loved about it before, I’m struggling with now.
The transitional period between being 18 and 20 is jarring. I feel like I should have my future planned. But at the same time, I feel too young to know if any of my plans will actually pan out the way I now expect them to. I don’t know who I am all over again, but I’ve come to realize knowing isn’t the point.
If I spend all my time trying to figure out who I am, I don’t give myself the chance to discover it naturally. I have to allow myself the freedom to be uncomfortable, uncertain.
I cannot grow in the confines of my mind and my inner critic, because that’s the easy way out: it’s easier to focus on the negative than to change your mindset to move forward. They’ll still be there, but I have to go through this transition to find out what’s right for me, so I might as well enjoy the experimentation that comes with uncertainty. I feel lost, but that means I have places to discover.