Nothing prepares you for receiving the heartbreaking call that a loved one is no longer here. What makes it even harder is being miles and miles away from home, on your own, away from the support that is much needed.
College is typically defined as the moment in our lives when we experience the first taste of independence, growth in many aspects, and new memories. No one ever mentions the hardships that come with this new chapter, no warnings that grief doesn’t wait for anyone, and that life won’t stop for you either. It appears in the middle of the day while attending lectures, the long walk back to your dorm, or when you’re tucked in bed, ready to go to sleep. Yet somehow, you’re fully expected to continue with your everyday tasks like it’s nothing.
As someone who lost two grandparents within a span of 6 months this past year, I’ve had to learn how to balance my grief while trying to go back to attending classes and accepting my new reality. It’s a very isolating experience; no one truly understands the inner turmoil you’re going through every day, trying to fight the urge not to cry or hyping yourself up to even get out of bed. Professors and friends are understanding of the situation, and condolences and other kind words and small actions do help lessen the feeling of sadness a little, but it doesn’t fully take away the emptiness inside.
Being far from home makes this emptiness feel even more hollow. It’s hard not being able to grieve alongside your family, to be held, loved, and equally acknowledged in a hard time like this. Even if you are someone who can travel quickly between home and school, it’s hard to fully split your time, mind, and location, and it may even drain you dry from doing so. There’s also the nagging feeling of guilt. Guilt for not responding to messages, falling behind, or lacking your usual traits. Grief is a very unpredictable thing. Some days may feel better than others, or the opposite.
Learning how to be able to heal in a new chapter in your life is not bad. I had to learn how to appreciate the things around me. I truly accept any positivity I can find in situations, even if they present a difficult time navigating them. I practiced forms of self-love; buying myself small things as a reward for getting through the week, redirecting my sadness into new hobbies, and trying to spread love and support to my family. I began to aim and complete goals I knew my loved ones would be proud of me for achieving, such as continuing to focus on getting my degree or getting my first job. Not a day goes by that I don’t include my loved ones in a task I’m doing or keep them in my thoughts.
It’s okay to have a few days where you need time for yourself; it doesn’t make you weak for doing so.