I have spent a lot of college trying desperately to break out of the shell I’ve spent most of my life in. I’ve worked tirelessly to get here, but sometimes I wonder if I have done well enough.
I struggle to pick up social cues sometimes — I don’t understand that sometimes when someone says, “I don’t want to talk,” they mean “please, I need to talk.” It makes me feel so foolish.
I’m more likely to timidly back away with an “Oh, okay.” I don’t understand why I can’t pick up on things that would seem so obvious to other people. There are times when I’m sort of an empath and feel what other people feel. Yet I fail to act in moments when I try to reach out to someone when they are having trouble.
I have tried to find an explanation for my failure to react correctly to people’s cues. Have I just not been around people enough? Is it maybe autism? I’ve researched it and worked with kids who have it. Heck, my sister is fully diagnosed. I already have ADHD, and I have additional characteristics that line up to a diagnosis—but I don’t want it to be true; I don’t want to add another thing to my loved ones’ already full plates.
I wonder more and more, and a shadow in my mind suggests, “Maybe it would be better if you went back to not talking to anyone.” In childhood to the beginning of high school, I was what one might suggest as a bit of a hermit. I rarely talked to others unless they talked to me or I was asked a question in class.
My sister was my best friend. I have been working on branching out, but sometimes it yields disaster; the branch breaks. I’ve been persevering through, and yet those slip-ups happen anyway. I say something out of pocket, I don’t know how to properly react, and I get lost in my thoughts.
But the worst part is that I often realize shortly after, and by then it’s too late. So, I beat myself up in my mind and wonder ‘What the hell is wrong with me??’
I swear I am trying to work on it, but I don’t know how to fix it. I have to try not to let this cause me to retreat into myself again—I have to learn to let myself feel. I have to learn not to let my anxiety and doubts pull me away from making connections. But here’s to hoping that maybe people will start to understand.