On Valentine’s Day this year, two of my friends came over. One of them—the resident boy of the hour and my best friend in the world—was tasked to put together a new desk chair that I got from Target. (Side note: Invest in the desk chair that you can cross your legs in. It’ll change your life.) The other is a mutual friend of ours that we know we will never deserve; she is the purest human being to ever exist.
The three of us were scattered across my living room, talking and curating a Spotify jam. They were also the first people I had ever hosted in my townhome. At a random moment, I looked up and noticed that I was living in something I had always wanted: simple camaraderie. Having people to call to help you pick up, build, and haul furniture is a pleasure that we all seem to take for granted. That is, of course, until the situation arises.
I had been needing a desk chair since August and finally bought it this February. Calling my friend to help me out was like pulling teeth; needing help is a hard thing to admit. However, that is what is required to live. To be human is to inconvenience others and also be inconvenienced. When I told him I needed this chair together, he leapt at the opportunity. The people who love you well will never see it as an inconvenience anyway. It will always be their pleasure and biggest desire.
If you, like me, are hyper-independent and love to do everything yourself, this will be hard to unlearn. The idea that “if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself” sounds good when you are having a meltdown, but it is not a way to live. Refusing help, assistance, advice, or even the presence of others will cause you to wake up into a cold life of solitude.
I am a big fan of the principles of living that give us community: “In order to have a village, you have to be a good villager.” I earned a male friend in my life that will build chairs, pick me up from a night class, or even be my shoulder to cry on because I am his friend back. Reciprocal friendship is one of the gifts that keeps on giving.
Coming into this mindset was not easy for me. It was scary and hard, requiring a lot of emotional intelligence on my end. Something my friend told me opened my eyes to how I was building walls to leave people out. He said, “If you do not let me love you the way I want to, you actually are not letting me be your friend. That does us both a disservice.”
You, too, can remove yourself from the chains of hyperindependence that are not letting you have the people in your life that you desire. Things can change, but they take work. Embrace the gifts that come from your village since it takes a village to do everything.