I’ve been on this Earth for two decades. As long as it may seem, it honestly isn’t. Yet, in such a short amount of time, I’ve done but also gone through so much. Going into my twenties, I am proud of all that I’ve done and where I am in my life. I am working towards a more healthy life, I am involved in everything I want to be, I am doing well in school, travel and am loved. As happy as I am now, it wasn’t always that way. I truly believe to get to the good in life, you have to struggle. To win to the fullest, you must lose first. And that’s the story of my life.
Growing up from elementary and middle school, I was bullied a lot. Not that it really has stuck to me now or who I am, but it really took a toll on me then. It forced me to always seek validation from others and try my best to be liked because if I was liked, then I wouldn’t be bullied. Neither was true, the bullying was inevitable and so was me not being liked for who I am. I didn’t understand then that it was ok to not be universally liked because all I needed was to be liked by myself. Once I got that, everything else would fall into place. Years later, I have worked towards healing, and have grown to love myself much more. But there’s always a part of me that doubts every move I make, everything I say and the intentions behind the people around me. There’s always a part of me that haunts me and hates every aspect of myself. I don’t know how to get rid of it, so I hide it so others don’t notice.
Even without my own internal struggle, there are just struggles I’ve had that really brought me down. During COVID, there was a lot going on at home. Nothing good, but nothing I like to relive. At the base of it, I felt guilty for how badly two people in my life were feeling and felt I was the cause. The pressure and guilt I felt in the shadows really took everything out of me. Everything took everything out of me. I was always angry, sad and hated myself and that poured into my friendships, all the ones I lost. It seemed like the more and more time that passed, the more friends I lost. The less I had a will to live. When I was 14, I vowed I wouldn’t let myself live past 19. Being 20 now, I never thought I would be here. At all. Nothing about where I am now was ever a possibility in my head then. So the mere fact of surviving all that I went through, and finding a time in my life to truly be happy means so much more than anything else. Surpassing the age I declared all those years ago that I would never pass lifts such a huge weight off of me. That I’m okay, and bad things come to an end. Getting to 20 is a testament of my hard work both in my education, my career and my life but also towards my self-worth and value in myself.
I once felt so lonely in life and felt like no one ever liked me. Looking at where I am now, I have never felt more the opposite. Before my birthday this year, I had just landed across the country alone, thinking my sister, the one person I wanted to be with on my birthday, was no longer coming. I was also awake when the clock struck 12 in the east coast and didn’t receive one birthday wish. I truly felt like it was just another day and in all honestly, to everyone else, that’s all it should be without a problem. So I went to sleep thinking no one cared, even though I cared so much and was so proud to have made it this far. When I woke up, there were dozens of texts and a bunch of posts and it warmed my heart. I also woke up to my sister miraculously there. I got to spend my day with people who love me so much and was shown the amount of love people have for me all throughout the day. Everything about my 20th was perfect. I had so much fun and was so surrounded by so much affection that filled my heart. Getting this far in my life is such an accomplishment in itself, but doing so in such an amazing spot in my life is even better. I am so excited to grow into my twenties. I can’t wait to see how far I go and see all the different things I’ll do with the people I love in my life. I’m proud of how hard I have worked to be where I am, and proud of the person I have become and have learned to love. Looking back on all these years, everything I went through built me to be the person I am today. In 20 years, so much has happened, yet, there’s so much more to come.