ON FEELING DEEPLY DESPITE THE INCONVENIENCE
I hope I never stop being sensitive, even when it would be easier to toughen up. There is such beauty in truly seeing other people, in feeling what they feel. But it can also be overwhelming to feel so connected, so responsible for other people’s emotions. When someone I love is sad, I am sad. When they are anxious, I am anxious. And when they are mad, I would do anything to fix it.
I have spent a lot of time thinking my sensitivity made me weak. When people said things like “don’t take it so personally” or “it’s not that deep”, it reaffirmed my belief that I needed to grow up, to get tougher. But what if sensitivity isn’t something I need to outgrow?
As a kid, everything scared me and even little things could make me sad or angry for hours. When my mom was in another room of the house, I would call her name every few minutes to make sure she was still there. When my sister got hurt, I cried louder than she did. When I disagreed with a friend, it felt like the end of the world. It felt even worse when people were confused by my reactions, and being sensitive became something I wanted to hide, or even change entirely.
It’s taken a while to realize that sensitivity, while sometimes difficult, is really just overwhelming empathy, attentiveness and passion. Yes, I get hurt easily, but I also connect with others and feel every emotion deeply. I notice when people are left out or when they are hurting. I’m a good listener and I can truly put myself in other people’s shoes to share their pain or joy. I feel my own feelings, both the happy and the hard, deeply and fully.
It’s hard to keep up this sensitivity in a society that prizes hustle and productivity. Oftentimes our value comes from being unbothered, from numbly working toward goals without stopping to feel. I sometimes struggle to let myself rest when I’m having hard days. I’m plagued by thoughts and messages that I am only successful when I am productive. So I’ve had to really learn to slow down and take time to recharge, especially when I’m feeling sad or overwhelmed. Allowing myself these slow moments lets me fully enjoy the busy ones too.
Both these messages saying my sensitivity was wrong, and the intense sadness and anxiety I sometimes feel, made it hard for me to embrace this part of myself. Only recently have I fully realized the importance of taking care of my feelings to prevent emotional burnout. Instead of working not to be so sensitive, I am learning to give it space. When I feel so upset that it physically hurts, I remind myself how amazing it is that I care so deeply. When I feel misunderstood, I explain my boundaries. And when I feel overwhelmed by the intensity of my emotions, I take time to rest and let them go in their own time.
My sensitivity allows me to build deeper relationships as I listen and value each of the people I hold dear. It allows me to truly understand other people and look out for them. It allows me to be present and connected to my emotions, and to be observant of myself and the world around me. Being sensitive has made me who I am, and I hope I never lose my ability to feel deeply and empathize easily.