There is a particular kind of panic that sets in around February 1st when you’re in a relationship. Suddenly, the day you’ve been casually coexisting with your partner transforms into a high-stakes performance of romance. And, somehow, a single day in February has the capacity to make you feel as though your entire relationship is not “enough.”
Valentine’s Day doesn’t celebrate love. It audits it.
The Invisible Checklist
The pressure starts slowly. Your Instagram feed gets filled with countdowns. Every store window screams red and pink. Your friends start asking, “So what are you guys doing for Valentine’s?” as if not having plans is a relationship red flag.
Then comes the checklist you never agreed to but somehow feel obligated to fulfill: The reservation at a restaurant you cannot afford, the thoughtful gift that is personal but not too personal, the Instagram story that affirms you’re loved and last but not least, the grand movie-like romantic gesture.
Suddenly, the person you’re comfortable being messy with, the person who’s witnessed you crash out over an exam and wearing the same hoodie for three days straight, needs to be impressed. As if the regular moments of showing up aren’t already enough to validate your existence unless you frame them with red paper and share them online.
When Good Enough Stops Being Enough
Here’s the cruel part: Valentine’s Day takes perfectly happy relationships and makes them feel inadequate.
You could be in a relationship where you truly care about each other, where you can lean on each other through bad days, where you can share humor, like inside jokes that no one else understands. However, if your Valentine’s Day isn’t like something off a highlight reel, like something everyone else experiences, are you even doing it right?
Did he plan something special enough? Is this gift meaningful enough? Are we romantic enough? Are we enough?
The day doesn’t ask if you’re happy. It asks if you’re performing happiness correctly.
The Comparison Trap
It’s impossible to escape the comparison. Your friend’s boyfriend surprised her with a weekend trip. Your sister got a custom playlist and a handwritten letter. Someone on your floor got flowers delivered to their dorm.
And you? You got dinner at your go-to café and a card. Which is sweet and thoughtful. Which would’ve felt perfect any other day of the year.
But on Valentine’s Day, it feels like losing a competition you didn’t know you’d entered.
Social media makes it worse. Everyone posts their best moment: the flowers, the dinner, or the sunset. And you’re left wondering why your relationship doesn’t look like that. The pressure to document and perform your relationship reaches its peak on Valentine’s Day, when every couple seems to be competing for the most Instagram-worthy moment. You forget that you’re comparing your behind the scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel.
The irony? Half of those Instagram-perfect relationships are relationships that are barely surviving. But, on the 14th of February, everyone’s relationships are Instagram-perfect anyway.
The relationships that thrive aren’t the ones that perform well on Valentine’s Day. They’re the ones that show up consistently on February 15th, March 8th, July 22nd and all the other days that don’t come with societal expectations.
The Expectation vs. Reality Gap
The pressure doesn’t just come from outside. It comes from the expectations you’ve built in your own head.
You expect your partner to know exactly what you want without you having to say it. You expect them to plan something that proves they “get you.” You expect the day to feel magical, even though you’ve both been stressed about midterms and haven’t had a full night’s sleep in weeks.
And when reality doesn’t match the expectation, when the reservation gets messed up, when the gift isn’t just right, when the day feels more stressful than romantic, it’s easy to interpret it as a sign that something’s wrong with the relationship.
But here’s the truth: your partner isn’t a mind reader. And Valentine’s Day, no matter how hyped up by capitalism and Instagram, isn’t a litmus test for your entire relationship.
When the Pressure Breaks What’s Working
The saddest part is watching this pressure create problems that didn’t exist before.
You argue over plans. You resent each other for not meeting the expectations neither of you has talked about. You feel let down, even though your partner did try. You wonder about the relationship because one day didn’t turn out just right.
Valentine’s Day becomes the thing you have to survive instead of enjoy.
What Actually Matters
Here’s what Valentine’s Day should be: optional.
If you choose to celebrate it, great! Plan something low-key that feels like you. Eat a meal that you both enjoy. Watch a movie together. Give gifts to each other that remind you of one another. Do something that feels authentic instead of obligatory.
But if you don’t feel like celebrating it? Also, great! Your relationship won’t suffer from a lack of external validation. The love you express on any given Tuesday, like when you make your partner coffee because they need to cram for a test, or like when you listen to them complain about a terrible day, or like when you show up even though it’s inconvenient for you, is worth more than some manufactured holiday.
The relationships that last aren’t the ones that peak on Valentine’s Day. They’re the ones that are steady, consistent, and real on all the unremarkable days in between.
Redefining Romance
Maybe the most romantic thing you can do this Valentine’s Day is reject the pressure entirely.
Let your partner know that you do not want to worry about reservations or gifts. Agree that your relationship does not have to prove itself to anyone, not even yourselves. Make a choice to celebrate your relationship genuinely rather than performatively.
Because at the end of the day, love is not about fulfilling the expectations that a holiday provides. It’s about being present for someone, even if nobody is watching. Not even Instagram. Not even society.
Valentine’s Day will come and go. The question is: will your relationship withstand the pressure, or will you let it redefine what love actually looks like between you?