When you meet someone for the first time, there is no telling what your future together will look like. If you’re interested, you may go on dates. If it’s a good one, you may imagine a relationship with them. If it’s a bad one, you may be crafting the “I don’t want to see you again” text by the end of the date. Unless you have decided to spend the rest of your life with this person, you know there is an end of the road. The break-up can be gut-wrenching, but you knew there was a chance it would not last forever. This is the kind of break-up everyone means when you hear “I recently split with someone” or “I just got dumped.” What about getting dumped by a friend, not to mention your best friend? These break-ups can be just as hurtful, but they are not as frequently discussed.
This Galentine’s Day, I am reminded of my friendship break-up. As someone who went through it recently, I have insights to share (and by ‘recently’ I mean it has been almost a year, but it still feels like yesterday).
THE SPLIT
There are a myriad of reasons a friendship between two people might end. It’s usually along the lines of moving away from each other, growing apart, or maybe there was toxicity, from which there was no return. It doesn’t always end with a blow-up — sometimes it just occurs naturally. Whatever happens, generally the stronger the friendship, the harder the break-up. This break-up era can be poisonous and feel like there is no antidote. What comes next? Maybe you wish to reconcile…but it isn’t all up to you. Maybe you don’t ever want to see them again. Maybe you just want to say goodbye to your friendship — or in other words — find closure.
Is closure always necessary? It depends on your feelings about the split or how things finished. Do you still feel tethered to that person? Are you thinking about them more than you want to? Are there still questions yet to be answered? If the answer is yes to any of these, it sounds like closure is necessary for you to move forward from this.
HOW DO I FIND THIS SO-CALLED CLOSURE?
Let’s look at how obtaining closure in romantic relationships is akin to obtaining closure in friendship break-ups: When wanting closure with one’s significant other, it generally prompts a long, emotional conversation — or some say it comes from having sex one last time to ‘get it out of your system.’ If your ex-friend is open to having a conversation, that could be a good place to settle the unfinished business you might have. I don’t think f*cking them is a good idea.
Approaching this conversation can be difficult — where to start, what to say, and how to say it. Before you even reach out, it’s helpful to write down what you want from this. It’s easy to write “closure,” but what does that look like to you? And will talking actually help, or will it hurt? Sometimes a confrontation feels necessary — a showdown. This is never helpful — yelling at a person you used to love (or still do) won’t make you hurt less, but the contrary. You should be respectful, always. There is no winner in these situations, so no need to whip out the talons. If things are ending on a bitter note, your ex-friend may not be open to a conversation, and as upsetting as it may be, you have to respect that.
Closure is yours, and only yours. It is for you to find; it will not be given to you. While having a conversation can help you understand what has happened, it might not automatically allow you to move on. Especially in the case of them ghosting you and not wanting to talk, you are on your own in this break-up. Best friendships are not like tabs — you can’t just close them out. You have to consciously make decisions for your betterment post-break-up. The best advice I can give is to look to the other people around you. Your family and your other friends; do this not in an effort to replace what you have lost — but to remind yourself, there are people who are still there for you; never take them for granted. Also, take as much time as you need to heal. As it is in romantic relationships, there is no quick fix for a broken heart — it just takes time.
THE ELUSIVENESS OF CLOSURE
There were so many moments I thought I was finally done wallowing. I would tell my friends, “I’m over it now.” Then the next week I would be right back where I started, confused — I thought the dust had settled, why is it back? My roommate told me it takes “one week for each month you were together” to get over a romantic partner — insinuating it must be like that for friendships too. Let me do the math: best friends for two years, that’s 24 months. By that logic, I should be fine after about 24 weeks, or six months. If only it were that simple, but it has been nearly a year, and a part of me still twinges when I hear her name.
It could take weeks, it could take months, maybe more. At some point, it will hurt less. The constant reminders of that person won’t feel like fresh bruises, but will one day just be memories. I am reminded of my old friend all the time. When I wear the matching earrings we bought together, and when I see the poster in my room that she got me for my birthday. I drink her favorite energy drinks, and I remember how we would stay up late studying together; when I cry, I am reminded of the things she’d say to cheer me up. The unkindly kind memory of her voice. She’d tell me I was perfect, and I’d believe her. But here we are shopping at the store we used to shop at together, but now she pretends she doesn’t see me. I thought we could reconcile, but that ship has sailed — as even the strongest of ships can still sink. This grieving of a friendship is a difficult journey that needs to be normalized.
MOVING FORWARD
Losing a best friend can feel like a part of you has died. You think you will grow old together. Boyfriends/girlfriends/significant others may come and go, but you imagine living through it all with your best friend. Living side-by-side in the country that you both traveled to that one summer, being in each other’s weddings, godparents to each other’s children — all things you envisioned, now wiped clean from your future. You were never foolish to dream such a life, but not everything works out as you planned. And while sometimes there is hope for reconciliation, otherwise, all you can do is learn and grow from it; remember the good times and hope they are well.
