This past year was a big one for me. I graduated high school, started college, made new friends, and dove headfirst into building my future. However, my growth in 2025 also highlighted how many obstacles still stand in my way, and how many of them are self-imposed. Since I was young, I’ve been very meek in personality, and although I’ve slowly started to break out of that shell, there’s still so much work ahead of me. While this trait is absolutely not something that needs to be eradicated across the board, the effect it had on my personal well-being was quite dangerous.
I’ve spent a long time under the impression that loving someone meant being useful, agreeable, and quiet. I gave more than I expected in return, not due to selflessness, but fear. I was afraid of taking up too much space, being too needy, and that if I didn’t serve some sort of purpose, I would be left behind. Love, to me, became something you earn by being low-maintenance. I had an issue with redefining my boundaries, and accepted partial effort from those around me; aware that I deserved more, but preferring the situation I was in to nothing at all.
The wake-up call came when I went to college and started forming new relationships. I learned that connections didn’t have to feel so one-sided, and it was so freeing to have a fresh start instead of measuring up to whatever version of myself people had met years prior. Being in a new environment made it clear that the way I had been moving through relationships before wasn’t the only option, and once I saw that, I couldn’t go back to doing things the old way. But while I can recognize all of this behavior, changing it is another thing entirely. So, with my goal for 2026 being to grow a backbone, here’s how I plan to get there.
1. Put yourself first
I’ll be the first to admit that I struggle with this constantly. It’s really difficult for me to prioritize my own wants and needs in rooms where I feel like everyone else is more deserving in some way. But that’s exactly the kind of mindset that needs to be broken down here. I feel as though this has less to do with the depreciation of a person’s self-esteem, and instead inflating the value of the wants and needs of peers.
For example, let’s say my friend and I both have midterms tomorrow morning and she’s really struggling with the subject material for hers. I’ve been helping her study for the past couple of days, but she’s still having a hard time. She asks for my help again tonight, but by being there the past couple days I had put myself really behind on studying for the material I’m responsible for. Here, I have two options: Either jeopardize my grades in order to help, or leave her feeling unsupported. What would you do?
While the example itself feels trivial, the sentiment stays the same. In life, there are going to be people who lean on you for support, and it’s absolutely important to be there for your loved ones. However, you also have to be careful that your compassion doesn’t come at the expense of your well-being. For so long, the prospect of saying “no” was so daunting, because I was scared that doing so would risk people walking out of my life. However, over the past year I’ve learned that the only cheerleader you can always count on is yourself. It’s not selfish to put yourself first, and from my experience that’s what everyone else is already doing. Help your friends stay afloat, and keep empathy close to your heart, but it’s okay to say “no” to keep yourself from drowning.
2. stick to your boundaries
This one’s in honor of the college talking stage, which unfortunately is a canon event. I was definitely warned about it, but truly thought that everyone was exaggerating… Let’s just say that your girl was dead wrong.
I’m very specific about what I want my life to look like, but I have a tendency to let those standards slip when I really like someone. I found myself setting boundaries with people (romantic and platonic) but then letting them crumble away if I thought they’d leave otherwise. Sometimes, there was no pressure from these people whatsoever, and I just prioritized their presence over the standards I’d set. However, there were other times where these boundaries were tested or blatantly disregarded, and it got to a point where I thought to myself, wow, this is not who I am at all.
At the end of the day, the only person you should constantly be trying to hold onto is you. There have been times in my life where I didn’t recognize myself, where I would lose my personality and goals in order to fit into someone else’s expectations. Take this as a lesson: If someone is truly meant to be a part of your life, your boundaries won’t be negotiable. You won’t need to compromise your limits in order to keep them around. If holding true to yourself risks having someone walk away forever, then maybe they were never meant to stay.
3. be unapologetically yourself
I touched on this in my last article, but one of the biggest lessons I’m still learning is to be 100% of myself 100% of the time. I used to have the issue of shrinking myself in order to fit into other people’s lives and their expectations of me, and it never went well. Back then, I would rather chop away entire personality traits than lose these people, and that is a problem. If you constantly feel like anything you say is wrong, or like you’re always being judged, take a step back. If the only way to fit in with a certain group is to morph into a fly on the wall, because anything you say can and will be used against you, press pause.
In these circumstances, you need to seriously re-evaluate if these people even know you, and if you actually like them. There are people in this world who will truly appreciate you, and never ask you to shrink yourself. They will complement and add to your joy, and never make you apologize for being authentically you. It may take a while, but I promise they’re out there somewhere.
4. know your worth
If there’s one thing you retain from this article, I hope it’s this section. It took me so long to realize how much chasing people was harming my self-esteem. I thought that’s what friendship looked like, even though nobody was ever chasing me back. There was always this uphill climb of begging people to want me around, and I would become so frustrated knowing that if I stopped chasing, these people would never stop and look back. At the beginning, I didn’t realize what was happening, but as I got older and became aware, I just pretended not to care. Having a bunch of half-friends felt better than having no friends at all, and so I stuck with that pattern hoping that one day somebody would break it. But the truth is that if you allow everyone to treat you like crap, it’s the only kind of love you’ll know how to receive.
So, how do we turn this around? It starts with weaning off of the chase. You need to put your energy into those who return it. You don’t need to just know your worth, but act like it. I knew that I wasn’t happy in my situation, but I just let it continue. Stop fishing for reciprocation and getting upset when it doesn’t come. Relationships shouldn’t require keeping score, but they do require a mutual effort. If someone isn’t meeting you halfway, that is not a reflection of what you deserve, it just means that you two don’t match up. Focus on the people who consistently show up and invest in you, because those are the ones worth your time and energy.
next steps…
This year, I’m determined to hold my ground. I’m learning to say “no” without feeling guilty, to keep my boundaries firm, and to not let fear dictate my actions. I’ve spent so long giving more than I get, shrinking parts of myself, moving my boundaries just to keep people around, and I’m done letting that be my default. I’m definitely writing this to hold myself accountable, but if someone else is struggling with the same patterns, then maybe we can go through this journey together!
As RuPaul famously says, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?” That love starts here, with self-worth. Growth is uncomfortable, but it’s absolutely necessary in order to build the future you deserve. We just need to keep reminding ourselves that this process isn’t about perfection or doing everything right, but about showing up for ourselves consistently, especially when it’s hard.