Like every pre-pubescent girl when she’s young, I liked rummaging through my mother’s cosmetic bags and trying to do makeup on myself.
As it would turn out, that love for makeup stayed (yes, the tomboy years of my life are excluded from this timeframe). At the start of my first year in college, I was allowed to be a makeup artist for MWAH Magazine. It’s a magazine published every spring under UCSB’s Fashion Club alongside their annual runway. To my surprise, I got in, and I’ve been working with them ever since.
But the process hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows.
THE GOOD PARTS
It has been a faraway dream of mine to be a professional makeup artist.
The most I did was doing makeup for my family, or the couple of times I helped my friends. I feared the instability, the lack of connections I had amongst my peers. So, the career path was quietly tucked away on the back burner while I focused on other things.
So when I arrived at UCSB, that didn’t change at first. I continued doing makeup on social media and left it at that.
Then came UCSB’s Fashion Club. When I saw that they had recently started making a magazine as a creative outlet, it piqued my interest. Even better, in the fall quarter, they posted a story on Instagram requesting stylists, PAs, and most importantly, makeup artists. People like me.
It was so fulfilling when I got the message that they wanted me to help.
There’s something so powerful about being appreciated for the things that you love. Feeling yourself get admired for something you truly put effort into day to day. MWAH Magazine was able to do that for me from the start, with such kind people and support. The fall photoshoot was so rewarding and exciting — I loved being able to watch them work on set, help the models with their makeup, and bring everything to life. I was able to make new connections with other creatives and watch the process of something I’ve always wanted to experience.
It felt like I belonged, and it seemed they liked me too.
Perhaps the most intimate, special part of the shoot was when the director of the shoot came up to me. She complimented how well I worked with the team and the makeup I did that morning. She then told me she would love for me to be a part of the team long-term and to help out for future shoots.
It’s like striking gold when those things happen. Rare, authentic moments where you feel like the pieces of your lively puzzle begin to click. That gut feeling that you have when something just feels right. That’s what it was like for me, not because I was guaranteed success, but because I was making progress.
So, I did. Winter quarter arrives, and I helped with both a smaller shoot and the primary one. I was able to meet even more people, do more looks, and expand myself socially and professionally. I grow closer with the team, complete more work, and do what I love.
What could be so wrong with that?
THE IMPERFECTIONS
I’ve always hated that nothing is perfect.
I can never be exactly the way I want to be. I can’t make myself taller or have the perfect body. I could never play an instrument exactly the way I want it to sound. I could never communicate to those I love exactly the way I want to. All of this is because I’m human, and for some reason, I find that really upsetting.
This unfortunately applies to my work. Makeup isn’t supposed to be perfect; it’s messy and creative and spirited. Yet, being on set and having to do makeup on a random stranger is daunting. I felt my hands not moving the same way I wanted them to. I made mistakes. I was wasting time.
It doesn’t help that I was one of the only first-years at each shoot. Everyone felt so much older, more qualified. It didn’t matter that everyone there told me it looked so good or that they liked me being on set. That unintentional mantra that I don’t deserve to be there, that I could’ve done so much better, kept going and going and going.
In short, I felt like an imposter.
It gnaws at you like a parasite. Makes you feel like you aren’t deserving of anything good in your life.
It’s also not to say that it is anyone’s fault. As I said, everyone who works on set is so supportive and friendly. It simply haunts me in the corner, screaming that I could do so much better.
the lessons learned
Everything you do involves practice.
I always try to change my mindset. Accept that with every shoot and makeup look I do, I am working towards my goals. “Of course, it’s never going to be exactly the way you want it to. That’s normal. You should be proud that you’re taking these opportunities so early on.”
Things are always looking up when you maintain optimism. I say this as a pessimistic person myself; it doesn’t hurt to view things from a different perspective, try to shine some light on what can motivate you to keep going. Things will always get difficult. It’s simply about how you get past it.
I’ve been extremely lucky. I will officially be the Director of Beauty for MWAH Magazine starting with the upcoming spring runway, which I’m so grateful for. If you’re interested in being a model or working with them, I recommend checking out their Instagram and looking out for their shoots/runway auditions.
Giving thanks to Malena, Elle, and all the lovely people a part of Fashion Club and MWAH Magazine. Because of them, I was able to work towards pursuing a dream I thought was unattainable.
It makes me wonder what little me would say about me now. Hopefully, she thinks I’m as successful as I do.