Trigger warning: Mention of cheating, emotional abuse, and eating disorders.
I have been debating writing this article for a long time, weighing the pros and cons of speaking about my own healing journey after being in an extremely toxic relationship for a year and a half of my life. After much deliberation, I decided it is important to share my story, and even more imperative that I share my healing journey after my toxic relationship ended.
For some background, I was in this relationship from the middle of my sophomore year until the summer between my junior and senior years. My relationship consisted of me begging him to be a better man, to not cheat on me constantly. I was always trying to be “enough” for him, so he didn’t feel the need to cheat. Looking back, I realize this had nothing to do with me, and the cheating and lies were entirely on him, and showed who he really was as a person. I know that someone looking in from the outside would think: Why not leave after the first time he cheated? Honestly, I wish it were that easy. Part of me wished and hoped I would change, and the other part of me loved him enough to let it continue. The first time it happened, I blamed myself. He said it was because I “never sent him nudes” and he “was a man who had needs.” This made me feel terrible about myself, and even worse about my relationship.
On top of the cheating, this man would constantly body shame me, knowing I had struggled with an eating disorder in my past. For example, one time we went to Shake Shack and I ordered a burger. He looked at me and said, “Are you sure you want to eat that? I don’t want my friends thinking I’m into fat girls.” Later on in our lunch, he commented, saying, “No one else would want to date you, you’ve gained so much weight.” This sent me on a spiral, and I ended up having to talk to my therapist about it. This one comment truly set me back so far on my healing journey. In my mind, the most messed-up part of that is he knew my past of struggling with food, and he chose to use it as a weapon so I would stay with him. This worked for another six months, until things finally ended between us.
Deciding to move on was honestly one of the hardest parts for me. Part of why it was so hard to end things is because he made me feel like I wouldn’t be successful without him, and that no one else cared for me as much as he did. I remember debating ending things for months, and sobbing to my friends not knowing what to do or how to end things. After breaking up with him, I was heartbroken, but at the same time, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt like I could be myself again. When it came to my healing jouney I had no idea where to start. After talking to my mom, she recommended I try a new hobby. I decided to go hiking more as a hobby, something my ex would discourage me from doing. The feeling of going on a solo hike for the first time after my breakup was one of the most healing experiences of my life. I was able to reflect and enjoy something I had loved so much in the past. I still try to hike as much as possible, I find that it is a fantastic way to connect with nature, and it has done wonders for my mental health.
A second healing method I tried was something that I had been really into in the past. As a child, and in high school, I had a love for writing poetry, but once I got to college and focused all my time on a toxic relationship, I ended up not having time for it. Once my relationship ended, I picked up writing poetry again again and I found I still had a love for making up silly little poems. Writing poetry was also a way for me to write down my emotions in an artistic and healthy way.
In the past, while I was in this relationship, I had a fear of going to therapy. I had no idea what to expect, and the idea of having a bad experience terrified me. After much deliberation, I decided I needed to go to therapy and talk to a professional about healing from my past experience with my ex. Going to therapy for the first time was daunting, and I had no idea what to expect. It ended up being such a safe and relaxing environment, and it quickly became a safe space for me to discuss what I was going through with no judgment. Now that I have been in therapy for a while, I cannot recommend it enough. Talking to a mental health professional can make a world of difference, and I wish I had gone sooner. For anyone who is struggling with mental health, or just wants to talk to someone, therapy can be a great option to feel listened to and supported.
Healing from a toxic relationship is extremely difficult, but there are resources available and coping mechanisms that can help. After my breakup, I was able to find myself again and become the very best version of myself. I went from prioritizing a man, to prioritizing school, spending time with the people I love, and most importantly, taking care of myself. I now know I am more than just someones girlfriend and I can finally say I am happy with who I am as a person.