For four years I thought I was madly in love. Infatuated with a boy that made me think love consisted of fighting, obsessing, and thinking my worth was defined by him. He was my first hand hold, first kiss – first love. When we first started dating I was 14 and excited to have a boy like me enough to date me. I was obsessed with the idea of having a boyfriend. After four years I questioned what love was and if what we ever had was love.Â
Love to me during this time was checking my phone hoping he texted. Planning my whole day around us seeing each other the most – which ended with a lot of fighting between my parents and I. Thinking I didn’t need any friends because I had him and that’s all that mattered. Everything was him. That’s what love was to me. Everything needed to be him.Â
Love shouldn’t require you to sacrifice yourself. I wanted to grow during this time. I wanted to be and become more. I loved my family and my friends, so the fighting and not having them didn’t feel right, but also not having him didn’t feel right. I wanted to stop our bad habits, but I felt it was the only way we actually connected. I missed myself in ways I couldn’t imagine. All I wanted was to be myself again. But I told myself that relationships and having a boyfriend meant sacrificing things you wanted to make them happy.Â
This didn’t end in a dramatic breakup. It ended with fighting so much for myself that I became so tired to the point where I didn’t care if we stayed together or if we broke up. It ended in me thinking for a year straight “is this love?” Every time we were together I was overthinking whether I wanted to be there or if I would prefer to be alone in every way. I think I did love him at one point, but I think towards the end I wanted to love myself more. And not in a selfish way, but in a way that I missed the 14-year-old that loved my family and friends. The girl that was excited to make new friends and try new things.Â
I think this whole time there never was a fight for the relationship, but the idea of continuing to be loved. I stayed and fought because I loved this idea of what and who we used to be. I lived in the past because the present wasn’t what I dreamed love would be. I had this idea of what I thought we could be and that’s why I fought so hard. That’s why I let myself not be happy because I didn’t want to give up on my dream.
I finally let my dream go with him and now it has come true with a man. Love now isn’t obsessing or only being each other’s friends. It’s a connection that brings us back together when arguments arise. It’s choosing to see each other often because we genuinely love to do things together, not because it feels like that’s how it is supposed to be. We both have our own friends that love the other’s partner. It’s not constant anxiety. It’s not shrinking yourself to make another happy. It feels safe. It’s feeling you can always be yourself because that’s who they love, not an idea of you.Â
Now to the girl reading this who relates to the younger version of me — I’m talking to you. It’s okay to leave. You aren’t giving up. You aren’t failing. You aren’t hurting someone you love. You are choosing yourself for once. You are stopping the hurt you are feeling. You are loving yourself. You deserve a love that doesn’t make you question your worth. A love that doesn’t ask you to be less so someone else can feel like more. And when you find it, you’ll know. Because you won’t question “do I love you or the idea of you”?