If you came here looking for answers, you are in the wrong place because I am that girl asking the same question.
My main goal coming into my sophomore year of college was to be more selfish. That already seems like a very selfish thing to say.
The word “selfish” is so harsh sounding. Google’s definition for the word is “lacking consideration for others” and the synonyms that follow are egocentric, self-absorbed, and unmindful. Normally, people, including myself, will avoid others with these characteristics. So why was that my goal?
It feels impossible to put myself first when I have many others I feel like I need to please. I will work to protect the feelings of others that have hurt me over and over again, and not realize I am putting the knife in my own back. Why do I feel the need to owe everyone everything but myself nothing?
I make a decision for myself but end up feeling guilty solely because it was made for me. I try to look after other’s feelings, even if the decision has nothing to do with them; however, my mind will convince me otherwise.
Being extremely compassionate is never a bad thing, but it can still be self-destructing. I want others to feel good about themselves. I want others to be happy and secure. I want others to be included and cared for. That won’t go away and I don’t want it to, that is not what my goal is about.
So, what I mean when I say selfish is words like self-caring, self-respecting, and self-reliant. These words are brighter sounding and change the narrative of how selfish is typically viewed.
I don’t want to become selfish because I don’t care for people; I want to become selfish because I want to consider myself one of those people as well. I want to take a step back, gather what I learned, and make decisions because they are the best for me. I want to be strong enough to set boundaries and be okay with it. I want to do things for myself without involving guilt or shame.
Last year, I cared a lot about other people’s feelings that I forgot to heal my own. Even if I thought I was doing something for me, I probably wasn’t.
I am still learning, growing, and working on this goal. I want to care about my own feelings as much as I care about other’s feelings. At the end of the day, no matter what I do or say, I cannot control another person’s emotions. They are allowed to feel whatever they want and the same goes for me.
I just wish it wasn’t so hard to put myself and feelings first.