Ah, college. The time of self-exploration, intellectual curiosity and regrettable situationships. It’s the time when you discover what you want to do for the rest of your life.
I turned 20 three months ago. There is one quote from ‘The Office’ that has never left my mind: “Here comes that quarter-life crisis everyone’s talking about.” Same Gabe. Same.
A quarter-life crisis, described by the NIH, is anxiety and uncertainty experienced about one’s future career during early adulthood. This also encompasses uncertainty about relationships, identity and life accomplishments.
Since my second year of college, I’ve been battling this feeling of mediocrity, loneliness and existential dread about my future. In other words, I’ve been going through a quarter-life crisis. Hurray!
I’ve always hated the question, Who do you want to be when you grow up? I honestly still don’t have an answer. Hell, I’m not even sure what I really want when it comes to romantic relationships or a social life. Should I be partying? Clubbing? I often feel like I should be doing those things in my 20s so I don’t miss out and regret it. Should I try to date around? I’ve never been in a relationship before, so that scares me. I also don’t work out or eat healthy. It feels like I’m constantly running out of time.
My fear about my future, though, is what truly is eating away at me. Since my first year, I’ve set my eyes on the coveted MD. Now, I’m starting to question that. There is so much I could do instead of becoming a doctor. Sometimes, I like to fantasize that I’m a stand-up comedian, a singer, a pianist, a ballet dancer, an author or a lawyer. If I was born a nepo baby, would I still pursue medicine? I’m not entirely sure. I might’ve pursued an English degree with hopes of becoming a writer who lives in an abominably tiny NYC apartment with arguing neighbors. And sometimes, that sounds really enticing.
This is not to say I’m not passionate about medicine but the cost of pursuing it often feels too great. Am I doing enough? I look around and I pale in comparison to my peers, who all seem to be solving world hunger. My insecurities and feelings of mediocrity are laid bare and it’s paralyzing. Would I be happier if I walked another path? I wonder this all the time.
Then I wonder, what is my purpose in life? I know, very cliché. Yet now it’s all I ever think about during my ongoing quarter-life crisis. The world is falling apart. Shouldn’t I be doing more? There are days when I’m suddenly like, “Maybe I should become Buddhist!” Yes, I even experienced a philosophical existential crisis (‘White Lotus’ season 3 is partly to blame).
But you know, isn’t this what young adulthood is all about? Reevaluating your beliefs and digging deep into what your heart truly desires? Since starting college, I’ve discovered my passion for public health, my politics have shifted further left (thanks to my roommate!), and I may have more mental health issues than I thought.
Although there is a lot of uncertainty, I’ve uncovered many truths, some more uncomfortable than others. For now, I’m going to try to focus on doing my best in my classes and clubs and being present, rather than trying to change into someone I think I should be — a fantastical version of myself. I’m going to attack the things I want to do one at a time.
I wade through life at a different pace than others, and maybe that’s not a bad thing. Your 20s are meant to be confusing, messy and explorative. If you’re also going through a quarter-life crisis, know it’s not the end of the world. Pursue that minor, ask out that crush and live life voraciously.