Thanks to my parents, I grew up watching all the old bollywood romantic movies and listening to songs with poetic and elaborate declarations of love. Naturally, a cliched image was built in my head about how romantic relationships should look and feel like. Obviously I did not expect violins to start playing and a random flashmob to start but I always viewed everything with rose tinted glasses. That was until I got my first taste of modern dating. Needless to say, it was far from my expectations.Â
I assumed liking someone would be enough to take the first step towards building a relationship with them. However, the process of getting there is much more complicated. Modern dating is not exhausting because people do not want love, it is because they are afraid of showing it, in the fear of getting rejected or coming off “too strong”. As a result to protect oneself from getting rejected, a million checkpoints, labels and unofficial stages are added before a relationship is called “real”. Somewhere along the way, with time, dating stopped feeling like finding someone to build a future with but rather a never-ending selection process with no guarantee of commitment. Â
By the virtue of dating apps, everyone has access to more “fish in the sea”. What used to be a simple process has now turned into a complicated one. Now you will hear words like breadcrumbing, talking stage, benching, casual, situationships and then maybe, if you are lucky enough and god’s favourite child will you be able to enter a “committed relationship”. For those of you who are blessed enough to not know what any of these words mean, let me break it down for you.Â
Breadcrumbing provides you with just enough attention to keep you emotionally invested. All of the emotional work of dating is done during the talking stage, but there is no obligation. Benching guarantees that you are always available as a fallback. The term “casual” becomes a handy way to steer clear of awkward conversations. Ambiguity, where feelings are present but accountability is absent, is ideal for situationships. Each stage acts like a protective layer, wherein if it ends you could always just say “it wasn’t that serious anyways” and move on. All of this centers around the fact that today’s dating culture is controlled by the fear of getting rejected. People are afraid to wear their heart on their sleeves.Â
Dating feels more like applying for a job. The screening process includes checking out their profiles, aesthetics and understanding their overall vibe. Next is the shortlisting period which involves late night talks, calls and messages. After several rounds of interviews which can include but not limited to dates, get-togethers, friend meetings and emotional revelations. You put your best foot forward, work hard and provide a performance. The sad reality is there is still no assurance that you will receive the offer even after passing every round. Similar to a job interview, you can perform flawlessly and still be told, “We’ve decided to go in a different direction.”
Everything feels calculative. Everyone is careful of their every single move. Everybody is too busy curating their most charming selves. Responses are pre-planned. Emotions are altered. Vulnerability is delayed. We ask, “Am I being too available?” rather than, “Do I trust this person?” questions like “Do I have the upper hand here?” and “ Who has a larger stake?” pops into our heads first. Dating has become a power struggle in which showing less concern is viewed as winning.
Even the prospect of rejection feels more daunting after going through all these phases, identities, and unwritten regulations. Not only are you losing a person, but you’re also losing the time, energy, and emotional investment you made over several rounds. As a result, dating becomes transactional rather than hopeful. Dating will continue to feel draining until we stop viewing it as a competition.Â
And for everyone who is still awaiting clarity after passing too many rounds, I hope you get it soon, good luck!