When I was little, I didn’t think about boys much. To me, boys were annoying, mischievous and obnoxious little kids that only cared about themselves. I had witnessed this first hand as I tended to befriend them more than I did the girls, but all the same, they were just kids to me. But as I got older, the dynamics between girls and boys in school began to change.Â
As I got older, though, the dynamics between girls and boys in school began to change. For me, this wasn’t exciting as I loved sports and despised makeup, dolls and gossip. But over time, I started to realize that those things weren’t so bad, and I began spending more time with the girls in my grade. During this time, the drama about who said what to whom slowly shifted to boys. Questions like “Who do you like?” and “Do you think he’s cute?” became more prominent, and suddenly, I started seeing boys as something more than just annoying classmates.Â
I have had my fair share of crushes, I continue to have them to this day. From hallway crushes and attending sporting events to watch a boy play from the bleachers, to having situationships and boyfriends, I have liked more boys than I probably want to admit. However, the thing I noticed early on when I had these crushes was that their attention mattered more to me than anything else.
It started small by taking note of who smiled at me, who talked to me in class, and who wanted to sit by me at lunch. From getting notes in my locker from a secret admirer or being asked to the school dance, I realized how much I loved the attention from boys. And when a boy didn’t notice me, I felt invisible. I would spend hours in my bedroom overthinking everything I said or did, trying to figure out what would make him like me or what I needed to change so he would. I made plans with my friends on how to “accidentally” run into him in the hallway or somehow be in the same place at the same time as him.
This behavior continued throughout high school, except my obsession with boys had grown. I chased boys I barely liked just to feel wanted, I changed my style and even how I acted around certain people. I chose boys over my friends because I believed that if I could get a boy to like me, then I would finally feel confident and validated. My happiness was measured entirely by whether a boy liked me or not, which became exhausting fast.
Putting on makeup everyday to go to school and saying no to things I had interest in all so I could get a glimpse of the boy I liked became a mentality for me. However, because of these actions, I became anxious, highly insecure and jealous of the girls who seemed to have it all figured out.Â
It was only once I was in a relationship that was toxic when I realized that I do not need boy’s attention to validate myself. The attention I was getting wasn’t something I wanted for myself, I wanted it because other girls got it and I was jealous. But there was no reason to be jealous, because a boy’s validation did not define me as a person. Changing myself and sacrificing my own happiness for the approval of someone who didn’t even care about me that much was simply not worth it.Â
Once I had broken up with my boyfriend at the time I stopped chasing this idea that men determine my self-worth. I deleted social media, I found hobbies that I enjoyed, I focused on school and I spent time with my friends and family. I built connections with the people that really mattered to me and learned to love myself. Once I did that, boys stopped being the center of my universe, and somehow, that’s when I started attracting healthier attention. People were drawn to me not because I was desperate or trying too hard, but because I was unapologetically myself.
Of course, I’m not happy all the time. I still hope, one day, to find someone who loves me for me. However, I learned that in order to be loved, you need to love yourself first. You need to set standards for yourself and make sure you receive the love you deserve.