By Vikram Durai
With four NBA championships, four MVP awards, two Olympic gold medals, 19 NBA All-Star selections, and being the all-time leading scorer in NBA history, LeBron James is undoubtedly the best player to grace the game of basketball. Standing 6 feet 9 inches (2.06 m) tall and weighing 250 pounds (113 kg), James stands titanic over the game, physically and metaphorically – since making his NBA debut in 2003 (winning Rookie of the Year), his flawless offensive capabilities, brilliant tactical defense, and crushing scoring power have won game after game, and have drawn remarks on being almost too good. Unnaturally good.
Rev. Sheila Zilinsky, a former top Canadian government official in the field of environmental policy, theorizes that James’s power may be because he is secretly a wizard and a member of the Illuminati. There’s evidence to support these claims: his pre-game ritual, for instance, utilizes multiple symbols associated with Baphomet and the Freemasons.
The legend of Faust and the Devil is a well-known tale: the erudite Faust, yearning for more than earthly meat and drink, bargains with the Devil for infinite knowledge and a hedonistic paradise. In doing so, he sells his soul and spends the afterlife in his own personal hell. It is my personal belief that LeBron James has made a similar Faustian bargain with the devil; he has sold his soul in exchange for limitless prowess in the game of basketball.
I mean, think about it: it’s no coincidence that he’s consistently referred to as the G.O.A.T. in basketball circles, and Lucifer is often identified with goats.
James wears the Lakers’ colors of gold and purple: extravagant hues that symbolize greed and excess. Purple, in addition to signifying royalty and power, is the “Color of Corruption” in Japanese culture, indicating forbidden and unnatural magic.
The factorial of a number has several occult properties. James is 6’9, which we read as 69. The factorial of 69 is the largest factorial that may be computed on most handheld calculators, which we may take as a representation of the fact that James’s true power gained from this unholy nexus trumps any similar power in the mortal sphere, and is the greatest possible player of basketball to ever exist.
We can count the number of letters in his full name: “LeBron Raymone James” is 18 letters long.18 on its own signifies youthful strength, and is the age at which he was drafted into the NBA. In numerology, the sum of the digits of a number has significance. 1 + 8 = 9, which is the greatest single-digit number. Again, we see the motif of reaching the zenith of the game.
Furthermore, the day James made his historic triumph of becoming the all-time highest scorer in the NBA, February 7, 2023, can be written as 702 2023. IMDb tells us that there exists a movie called Room 702 (released in 2023), about a murderous, evil entity haunting a hotel room. This possibly parallels the Devil’s lust for human souls, and his adeptness at haunting “Faust” throughout history (including James). James’s career triumph, being associated with the Devil, guarantees the fact that his success is fueled by his sins.
LeBron James was born on December 30, 1984. That makes him a Capricorn. The ruling planet of Capricorn is Saturn, which controls time. Time is especially relevant; he is the oldest active NBA player and was the youngest player to play at the time of getting drafted. And get this: as a Capricorn, his symbol is a goat!
Through multiple chains of reasoning, we arrive inexorably at the fact of LeBron James being wholly possessed (or at least sponsored) by the Lord of the Flies. Where do we go from here? Well, my dear readers, we must unite against the forces of darkness (no, that is not a comment on his race) and show the world that righteousness can still prevail. There are a few ways we can do this: by going on a personal mission to liberate[a] the G.O.A.T. from this mortal coil, by spreading awareness about the defilement of his spirit, and by sharply increasing the crime rate in his home city of Akron, Ohio (he owns several properties there). We must ensure this spirit of fire pays the price for his crimes against the soul.
Notes:
[a]: you know what I mean