Imagine it’s the first week of school, and everything with your new roommate is perfect. You’re staying up late having weird conversations, going on dining hall dates, and decorating your dorm room together. You’ve made your first college bestie and everything is finally starting to come together. Life is good.
This early wave of euphoria is commonly known as the roommate honeymoon phase. It’s the time where living together feels effortless, every quirk is funny, and you can’t believe you lucked out with the perfect person to share your space with. But as the semester goes on, the energy shifts and tension starts to grow. The differences between you two that you once brushed off or laughed about now feel much more significant, and suddenly you can’t remember what was so great about your living situation in the first place.
Psychologists often describe this emotional rollercoaster through the W-Curve theory, which outlines the emotional highs and lows first-year students face when adapting to college life. The honeymoon phase is where it begins — the excitement stage, when everything feels exciting and new — before reality sets in. Some roommate honeymoon phases end with a bang (a dramatic blow-up, a fiasco that will forever be referred to in your group chat as “the incident”), but others end more gradually, as tiny grievances slowly chip away at the good vibes.
For roommates like Maeve*, a senior at the University of Virginia, the shift was obvious. “We all had different ideas of what ‘clean’ meant,” she says. “It started to disrupt our relationship because one person wouldn’t do their chores, and everyone else had to pick up the slack.”
For Oliver*, a senior at Virginia Tech, the breaking point wasn’t chores — it was disrespecting boundaries. When his roommate’s girlfriend practically moved in, the tension spiked. “It felt like I suddenly had a third roommate I didn’t agree to,” Oliver says.
Regardless of how it happens, it *does* happen, and you’re left wondering: We were doing so well, so how did we end up here? And, more importantly: What do we do about it?
Why the Roommate Honeymoon Phase Ends
For many students, college marks the first time they’re learning how to share a living space with someone who isn’t family, and that adjustment can be overwhelming. “When we can’t control our environment, it really impacts our mental health,” therapist Melissa Gluck, LCSW, founder and clinical director of the Gluck Psychology Collective, tells Her Campus. “Even if it’s just a cereal bowl left out, that feeling winds up feeling 100 times bigger.”
This person is supposed to be your bestie and a large part of your college experience — so the stakes feel exceedingly high.
Brianna Paruolo, LCMHC
Plus, there’s a lot of pressure that comes with living with someone new. “Whether you had your choice in picking a roommate or have been randomly matched, there is a lot of expectation going into the college roommate experience,” Brianna Paruolo, LCMHC, a licensed mental health therapist and founder of On Par Therapy, says. “This person is supposed to be your bestie and a large part of your college experience — so the stakes feel exceedingly high.”
That pressure makes it tempting to idealize the relationship and avoid tough conversations. “In the beginning of most relationships, you tend to lead with your most flexible and agreeable self,” Gluck says. “But as the semester unfolds, real habits start to surface and that ‘best behavior’ starts to trickle away.”
The truth is, the honeymoon phase may be fun, but it’s just not realistic to expect it to last forever. If you’re able to accept that the phase will end (or maybe it already has), you can focus on the next phase — and how you go about this can make or break your relationship.
How to Move Forward (& Not Lose the Friendship)
Paruolo says the key to moving past the honeymoon phase in a positive way is addressing issues early and respectfully. “Start with the small stuff before it becomes big stuff,” Paruolo says.
It might feel intimidating to speak up, but just remember that contempt can sometimes be even more detrimental than conflict. Olivia*, a senior at James Madison University, experienced this firsthand when she and her roommate avoided addressing their issues post-honeymoon phase. “So much resentment grew, but neither of us wanted to admit it,” Olivia tells Her Campus. “I was scared to confront her because I didn’t want to ruin the friendship.”
Paruolo’s tip for getting the conversation started? “If something bothers you, address it directly, but without accusation,” she says. “Frame it as a preference, not a character flaw. ‘Hey, I’m realizing I really need the room quiet after 11 p.m. on weeknights’ lands differently than, ‘You’re so inconsiderate staying up late.’”
A healthy end to the honeymoon phase is recognizing that you live different lives [and] respecting each other’s needs.
Melissa Gluck, LCSW
Another key to a healthy post-honeymoon phase roommate relationship is boundaries. This could mean establishing rules for visitors, creating a chore chart, or even setting up “roommate meetings” so you have a designated time to discuss any issues that come up. “People often avoid setting boundaries because it feels aggressive or mean,” Gluck says. “But boundaries are not meant to punish someone — they’re meant to preserve the relationship.”
Once the honeymoon phase is over, it’s easy to assume something’s inherently wrong, or that you and your roommate aren’t meant to live together. But Gluck actually says the opposite. “A healthy end to the honeymoon phase is recognizing that you live different lives [and] respecting each other’s needs,” she says. For some, this can serve to bring roommates even closer together. For others, it might signal that it’s time to stop pursuing a friendship beyond your shared space — and that’s OK, too.
So, while the roommate honeymoon phase will inevitably come to an end, what comes next is even more important. It’s the part when you actually learn how to coexist, speak up, compromise, and care about someone who’s seen you at your best… and your messiest.
*Names have been changed.