The first time I really realized that love had limits was during a moment I didn’t expect at all. I remember sitting in my car after an argument with someone I loved deeply, feeling that tight heavy pressure in my chest that comes when your heart knows the truth before your mind is ready to accept it. They had said something that cut deeper than they realized, and instead of asking themselves why they crossed that line, they waited for me to swallow the hurt and move on. And the worst part? A piece of me was ready to. Not because it didn’t hurt, but because I thought loving someone meant never giving up and always trying to move past the problem.
That’s what so many of us were raised on. This idea that “if you really love someone, you don’t give up.” That you stay loyal through every mistake, every mood, every argument, every moment you feel small. We grow up watching people endure things in the name of love and think that’s the standard. That love means bending until you practically fold yourself in half.
But here’s the truth that took me way too long to learn: unconditional love does not mean unconditional tolerance.
There’s this subtle shift that happens when you care about someone. You start letting things slide. You tell yourself they didn’t mean it. You convince yourself you’re overthinking. You start making your needs smaller so the relationship doesn’t feel “too heavy.” And before you know it, the behavior you’d call unacceptable in anyone else has become your new normal.
We normalize hurting ourselves because we think it makes us loyal.
But loving someone doesn’t mean allowing disrespect just because you understand where their pain comes from. And it definitely doesn’t mean accepting behavior you’d never want your future daughter, sister, or best friend tolerating.
Healthy relationships, whether friendships or romantic ones, will still have messiness. People have bad days. Miscommunications happen. But there’s a difference between mistakes and patterns.
Healthy love should help you grow as a person. Not wear you down.
Think about the friendships where you were the “therapist friend”, the one who helped with everyone’s breakdowns and secrets and heartbreaks, but somehow never had space to share your own. You thought being “the strong friend” was a compliment, but really it was code for, “I know you’ll tolerate being taken for granted.”
And relationships? We romanticize fighting for them, but sometimes the only thing we’re fighting is the fear of losing someone who stopped showing up long before we did. We confuse being needed with being loved. We confuse exhaustion with effort.
Loving someone means loving who they are…not enabling their behavior.
The older I get, the more I realize that boundaries aren’t restrictions but they’re expressions of self respect. They’re the quiet reminder that your heart isn’t a dumping ground for someone else’s unresolved issues.
Real love is mutual.
Real love grows on accountability.
Real love strengthens both people, not just one.
Love can be unconditional.
Your tolerance shouldn’t be.
Some of these productions deal with heavy content, such as domestic violence, depression, suicide, etc.
If you or a loved one is experiencing domestic violence, call 911 or the domestic violence hotline: 1(800) 799-7233
If you or a loved one is experiencing depression or having problems with mental health, visit the National Alliance on Mental Health and/or call 1(800)-950-6264
If you or a loved one is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call 911 or the national suicide hotline: 988