What’s worse than your friends and family telling you that your boyfriend is embarrassing? Probably the moment Chanté Joseph, a writer for British Vogue, published an article titled “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” and it went viral on TikTok, with single women celebrating their independence. Although the article doesn’t directly state that having a male partner is embarrassing, it implies that women are experiencing a significant shift in the way they approach their romantic relationships.
Certain social norms, like the expectation that a man pays for every meal or asks a father’s permission to date his daughter, are bound to evolve as women gain greater social and financial independence.
I first noticed this shift when my mom told me, “If you like a boy, don’t wait for him to call you.” She resented that her own mother, my grandmother, taught her that the phone “only works one way.” Now, women, myself included, are sometimes choosing to let the call go to voicemail altogether.
When being single was once something to fear, now it’s increasingly seen as desirable. So, what’s changed in the last 50 years?
dating in the digital age
The answer is social media. We all have it, even our grandparents, and now it influences nearly every aspect of our lives, including our boyfriends. Joseph argues that social media is at the root of this paradigm shift, noting that many women feel their online perception by family, friends, and even strangers is shaped by their relationship status.
Essentially, women want “the social benefits of having a partner, but also not appear so boyfriend-obsessed that they come across as quite culturally loser-ish,” Joseph explains. This ideology is known as “heterofatalism,” and it appears to be widely accepted among many content creators.
It’s impossible to discuss this topic without acknowledging how this mindset might function as a protective mechanism against rejection. After all, how many failed relationships does it take before someone begins brainstorming an article outlining all the ways a boyfriend can negatively impact one’s life? While this angle is worth considering, it’s undeniable that a significant shift is occurring in how women choose to live.
For example, Joseph highlighted Sophie Milner, a content creator who noticed a sharp drop in her following after she posted content featuring her boyfriend. It doesn’t get much more obvious than that. When it comes to lifestyle advice, many women seem to prefer one that’s boyfriend-less. Milner even admitted that her content is “perhaps less exciting when she’s in a relationship.”
While I agree with Joseph that many social constructs, including relationships, have evolved because of social media, I can’t help but wonder whether something larger is contributing to this change.
what is life without a boyfriend?
When I went through my first breakup earlier this year, my biggest takeaway was that it’s far more interesting, as a woman, to be single and carefree than to be bound by a relationship that consumes your identity. I must confess, the imbalance between my investment in the relationship and his eventually left me feeling embarrassed once it ended.
This is what women around the world are realizing. It’s less about whether a hypothetical jerk is going to ignore you for Sunday Football and more about why you should share your attention with someone who isn’t reciprocating. In the past, women might’ve been teased by their friends for actively choosing not to settle. They’d say something along the lines of, “Oh, so I expect you’re just waiting for Mr. Right.” Now, women are restructuring their lives so that they no longer need a Mr. Right at all.
Joseph noted that affiliating yourself with a man “is no longer considered an achievement, and, if anything, it’s become more of a flex to pronounce yourself single.” As a result of this shift, straight women are confronting years of politicization surrounding their identities, prompting many of us to question everything we once believed about relationships.
Instead of spending my free time scrolling through social media, I began new hobbies such as reading, painting, and CrossFit. It may sound corny, but making an active effort to use my time productively genuinely improved how I felt about my situation. I discovered that becoming the best version of myself, while surrounded by friends and family, was enough to fill me up.
So, if you don’t have a boyfriend to embarrass you and make you question your worth, what kind of life are you living? A better one.
in the end, choose yourself
As Joseph writes, “There’s no shame in falling in love. But there’s also no shame in trying and failing to find it, or not trying at all,” because the alternative is just as good, if not preferred.
In the end, this shift isn’t about rejecting love altogether, but about rejecting the version of womanhood that required us to shrink ourselves to keep it. For once, it feels honest to say, “It’s not me, it’s you,” not as a petty remark but as a recognition that many women are no longer willing to carry the emotional weight of relationships that ask them to settle. If anything, this new era of independence shows that choosing yourself isn’t a consolation prize — it’s the point.
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