This past weekend, I attended Intercollegiate Weekend at Mt. Irenaeus. Our themes were based on the gospel reading for the week (Luke 21: 5-19), which was particularly dense and seemingly difficult to pull meaning from at first glance.Â
As we examined the reading more deeply, we encountered themes of intuition and trusting in oneself, community, and God.
On the morning that I led a discussion, I reflected on the themes of intuition and knowing when to trust it and when to ask for help in trusting yourself. I had not deeply thought about my view of courage.Â
To me, I had always seen courage as bravery, not knowing the difference between the two. I didn’t realize that courage is from the heart and can mean acting on the challenging thing, knowing it could result in good.Â
We played “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield to take us out of meditation, and while everyone knew the song and some were singing along, it felt like a new approach to the song. For me, it’s been a classic 2000s hit, but as I listened more closely, I recalled times where this song became an anthem for me, especially toward the end of high school when I was making tough decisions for myself.
This song felt like an offer or an invitation to trust in myself and listen to my own needs. It grounded me in an unexpected way, as I tuned in to each word, watching Br. Kevin Kriso mouthed along each word with power. A declaration was made.
What continues to play in my mind is the moment Karen, one of the resident community members, said. She talked in depth about asking yourself, “What would you do if you weren’t scared?”, which led me to really ask myself that question.
What would I do if I wasn’t scared? Well, for one, I would chop my hair. As superficial as it sounds, it’s something I’ve wanted to do for years. My hair has been at least past my shoulders since I was three years old.Â
If I wasn’t scared, I’d take myself out to dinner at the end of the semester because I’m darn proud of how hard I worked this semester. I am all for a solo date, but I would love to walk into Beef and Barrel and ask for a table for one as I celebrate my wins.Â
If I wasn’t scared, I’d trust my heart and begin applying for internships at non-profits before knowing any details about the internship program for my individualized major. I would text my best friend’s mom and ask her if the non-profits she is connected to need any help.Â
If I wasn’t scared, I’d really start a social media presence based on rating books. I have an account already dedicated to this, but I’m not active. I want to find my hobbies and commit myself to having fun with them.Â
I want to be a fool—not to act stupid, but to act without fear of the unknown. I so badly want to trust that it will all work out, even when I don’t have every piece laid out perfectly.Â
I will act, even as I’m scared. I am who I am today because I was once scared. I have been scared every step of the way, but I have grown in bravery and courage along the way.Â
I will allow my heart to take the lead and let my rational brain take a much-needed rest. I will always have those fears waiting for me, but I can’t allow them to weigh me down from becoming something great just because I’m scared.Â
I am courageous, inside and out, and it’s time to acknowledge the strength my heart has in decision-making. I am growing in confidence every day, even when it’s small. Actually, I’m growing because it’s small changes, and that is the most beautiful part.Â
Allow yourself to also take a step back and ask what your heart desires. You may be surprised how fast it answers.