When my first boyfriend and I broke up, I didn’t know how to feel. I mean, yes, I experienced some pretty intense sob sessions with my mom and did my fair share of ripping up letters and smashing gifts, but my feelings were all over the place. One second, I was sad, then I was angry, then I thought hitting them with ‘how are you’ wouldn’t be so bad. Navigating a breakup can be hard, especially when it’s your first.
While I like to think that my breakup disaster plan has improved over the years, the reality is that breakups just suck, no matter how emotionally evolved or mature you are. They suck when you feel betrayed, when you feel hurt, and even when you might feel a little relieved. But above all, they can be confusing as hell.
And, it’s this confusion that leaves us making decisions we might later regret — rough rebounds, unfortunate haircuts, and don’t forget about unnecessary social media spams. It’s part of the process, sure. But this doesn’t mean you have to be absolutely down in the dumps 24/7. That’s why we talked to two experts for tips on how to navigate your first breakup (because it does get better, bestie).
But, where do you even start?
The stages of a breakup
Like most phenomena in the world, there’s actually a formula for a breakup. You’re grieving a relationship like you would grieve a person. And, it can be an emotional rollercoaster, according to Sofie Roos, sexologist and relationship expert at Passionerad. “Even though it’s an individual, most people go through these five phases one way or another,” she says.
- Denial
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Ah, yes. The first stage of a breakup. You get home, throw on your favourite comfort TV show, grab your fav snack, and tell yourself it’s not a big deal (this may or may not have been me.)
“During this phase, you’re having a hard time facing the fact that it’s over,” Roos says. “It feels unreal and as something that hasn’t happened.” FWIW, this stage usually doesn’t last very long. (I woke up sobbing at 6 a.m. the next morning.)
- Sadness
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The sadness stage is the most universal. No matter where you are in the stages of a breakup, you’ll probably find yourself here more than once.
“When reality sinks in, so do the tears and the sorrow,” Roos says. “You miss the person, the routines and ritual you had, to share your everydays together, as well as the safety of being theirs.”
This stage can last quite a bit, depending on how the two of you broke up. If you’re feeling relieved, it likely won’t last long. But if you’re feeling hurt or betrayed, you might want to make a sob-movie watchlist and preorder your favorite ice cream.
- Anger
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Honestly, this is probably my favorite stage. Focusing on being angry at your ex lets you be distracted from being sad for a while, which can feel like a huge weight off your shoulders.
“It’s common to get angry after being sad, at yourself, your ex, and the situation,” Roos says. “Being sad is actually an important part of the process of moving forward.”
That said, it’s important to remind yourself that you won’t be angry forever, so that you don’t make any decisions you’ll regret later on.
- Bargaining
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I know we’ve all been here. In this stage, you’ll feel like things can be reconciled, and you’ll likely want to reach out to your ex (you’d better make sure someone takes your phone from you at the club).
“During this phase, you think things like, ‘If I just had done that differently…”’, Roos says. “You try to find logic or a way to fix things.”
And don’t get me wrong, this happens with ex situationships, too. It can feel relieving, especially after the anger phase. But remember: you won’t be able to move on when all you are is angry!
- Acceptance
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Now, it could be anywhere from a month to a year before you reach this stage. But you’ll finally begin to be comfortable with the idea that you won’t be with them again.
“Finally, you start to understand that it’s over,” Roos says. “Even though it hurts, it gets a little easier to breathe, and you have started to leave it behind.”
This isn’t to say you won’t think about them anymore or fall back to the inevitable sadness phase every now and then, but you’ll finally feel okay without them in your life to that capacity.
“The important thing to remember is that all the feels are normal and good to have, as they’re a part of healing,” Roos says. There’s no escaping any one of these phases, so you might as well take them for what they are and heal healthily.
Healthy coping mechanisms
Now that we understand the phases of a breakup, you have to make sure you’re flowing through them in a healthy manner. Fortunately, there are a few different ways you can do this, according to Roos.
- Talk through your feelings.
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This was one of the things that helped me the most. Surround yourself with friends and family that you trust and are comfortable opening up to.
“The best thing you can do is to talk with someone,” Roos says. “Explain how you feel to a friend, family member, or therapist. When talking about things and setting words to your feelings and experience, you process it.”
The last thing you want to do is stay angry, because that is where unhealthy healing stems from.
- Write about your feelings.
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The first thing I did was get a cute journal to write in. (I even named it: “my breakup guide.”).
“Make a diary or just take notes on your feelings, something that becomes a good way of getting some distance from your own feelings and see things from another perspective, but also to understand yourself better,” Roos says.
I know what you’re thinking: How is this going to help? And I don’t blame you. I was never one to journal. But when I tell you that writing in this journal was one of the most freeing feelings. I’d often feel emotionally jumbled before writing, and five pages later, I felt exponentially better and clear-headed.
- Stay active.
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This can be as simple as a walk whenever you’re feeling overwhelmed. “Go for walks, take runs, or hit the gym,” Roos says. “When focusing your feelings on training, you’re also getting them out via physical activity, which often makes the anxiety easier to handle.”
And, if you’re feeling too anxious and unmotivated to get up and move, you can even take 30 seconds to just stand up and just shake off your anxiety, literally (as per my mom’s motherly advice). And it works!
Is it always best to “distract yourself”?
As with all things in life, balance is what’s key in a breakup, according to Patty Blue Hayes, author of several breakup recovery and relationship healing books.
“We don’t want to deny ourselves from feeling the feelings, but we also need to function and focus on school or work. It may be helpful to ‘schedule in’ time to fall apart,” she says. “Get to the class in the morning and give yourself permission to crash on the couch for a few hours in the afternoon.”
But, on top of balance, you have to make sure that your distractions are healthy, too. While social media doom-scrolling can be “anxiety-provoking”, binging your favorite TV series might be “the best distraction”, Hayes says.
“One of the worst things we can do, and I’ve done it, is avoid and numb our pain with substances,” she says. “If you’re prone to using alcohol to distract yourself, get a friend or two to help you avoid the alcohol and make a healthier choice.”
Here’s when you should really move on:
This is arguably the hardest step towards healing. You have a camera roll full of photos of them, a thread of messages from when you first started dating, and a trail of them on your social media. But everyone removes them at different paces, if at all — and that’s OK.
“It’s very tempting to social media stalk the ex, but it never makes us feel better, only worse,” Hayes says. “I believe we know intuitively what choice is best for us whether that’s unfollowing, blocking, or changing privacy settings.”
For me, it didn’t take me very long before realizing following them on social media was stunting my healing. But I removed them slowly from social media one by one. And really, I couldn’t have done it without help from my friends.
“This is another time when having support from friends can be valuable. You may feel stronger in your decision if you have some friends around you, giving you strength when you may feel weak and indecisive,” Hayes says.
And, for photos, I found it easier to archive them and hide them before deleting them completely. “There’s no reason to do all the ex-cleansing all at once,” Hayes says.
But what’s the best thing to do for yourself?
While everything I’ve listed here is important in your guide to a healthy recovery, there is one important thing to remember, according to Roos.
“The absolute best is to take care of yourself by showing the same love you did to your partner, but focus it on you,” she says. “Do things that give you energy, rest, set boundaries, communicate with yourself, and stay in touch with your feelings, as well as make sure to let other people in.”
Breakups are a part of life, and everyone goes through them at some point in their lives. Be kind to yourself, and remind yourself that healing isn’t linear. As long as you’re listening to your body’s cues, remember: you don’t have to play by the rules!