I used my first acne products around the age of 10 or 11. I’ve felt self-conscious about my skin for almost a decade, and I’ve been visiting dermatologists’ offices on and off for most of that time. Sometimes, it feels like I’m in an endless war with my skin by fighting it with different serums, topical creams, medications, and even Accutane.
Pre-Accutane
Isotretinoin, formerly marketed as Accutane in the U.S., has attracted a lot of online debate. I’ve heard horror stories about the drug’s effect on mental health, but I’ve also seen friends celebrating their new glassy skin first-hand. During high school, my dermatologist pitched Accutane early on due to the severity of my acne. Still, I was always nervous about the idea of taking a pill that could affect my body in unknown ways. It took me a long time to decide if Accutane was right for me.
However, my skin reached an unbearable point in late 2022, where my entire cheeks and chin were covered with pustules and angry red spots. I had nodular acne, a form of inflammatory acne characterized by painful bumps, or nodules, under the skin and red bumps on the surface. I felt highly self-conscious and uncomfortable in my skin, so I finally decided to try Accutane.
During Accutane
Accutane essentially strips your skin and body of oil. To me, this felt like my whole body was being dehydrated. The medication is derived from vitamin A and works by shrinking the skin’s oil glands to reduce their sebum (oil) production. Goodbye oily hair, hello flaky lips!
On Accutane, I suffered from all the usual culprits: exceptionally dry lips, sun-sensitive skin, headaches, and sometimes even muscle cramps. As a cross-country and track and field athlete, I hated that the pill had the potential to affect my athletic performance. To paint you an honest picture of my skin, I experienced large red scabs on my face as my acne dried out. With this, 32-ounce water bottles and Aquaphor became my safe havens.
After a few months, perhaps three or four, I saw the kind of progress I’d been dreaming about for years: patches of clear skin! I could finally see the freckles beneath my acne. I also loved that, on Accutane, I didn’t have to wash my usually super oily hair as much.
In the end, the physical side effects of Accutane didn’t bother me as much as the emotional changes I experienced. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, I experienced severe mood changes while on the medication. Sometimes it’s hard to trace an exact cause for anxiety and mood changes, but after I stopped taking Accutane, my mental health drastically improved. Now, I wouldn’t try a second round of Accutane because of its negative impact on my mental well-being.
Post-Accutane
After ending my nine-month course of the medication, my skin was glassy, clear, and glowy — all the good things. I shifted to a minimal skin care routine with Cetaphil gentle skin cleansers and moisturizers. My skincare became something fun and relaxing, rather than a cause of stress.
After several months of clear-skinned bliss, my acne slowly returned. My skin wasn’t nearly as bad as before, but I still experienced breakouts, worse than just a couple of spots on my forehead. Two years after I ended Accutane, I still have noticeable acne, though it’s neither as deep nor as painful as it used to be.
Recently, I abandoned the dermatologist-recommended regimen that I’ve been following for the past eight years. After deciding not to try Accutane again, my dermatologist could only recommend antibiotic oral medication or topical creams that I’d tried before, to no significant lasting effect. Right now, a basic cleanser and moisturizer can’t keep my skin in check, and I’ve never been the kind of girl who can stick to a seven-step skincare routine! So, I started looking for other options.
Becoming friends with my ACNE
After browsing the internet, I decided to try The Ordinary, an affordable skincare brand with serums designed for acne-prone skin. The ingredient list is short and simple, which makes it easier for me to see what’s working and what isn’t. I’ve noticed a more glowy quality to my skin after using The Ordinary’s moisturizer.
I no longer experience really severe acne, so I decided to make a real effort to stop worrying about my skin so much. A few spots shouldn’t make or break my day or define how I feel about my body (I’m saying this as much to a reader as I am to myself). If I hydrate, eat well when I can, and get my golden nine hours of sleep, I usually notice a positive effect on my skin as well.
For the time being, the type of flawless skin I see on Instagram doesn’t reflect my own looks or experience. I have freckles, moles, scars, and spots that won’t go away, even after trying the last-resort intervention of Accutane, but being at war with my skin doesn’t feel helpful anymore. I try to research skincare and pick products that are natural and gentle on sensitive skin, but beyond that, all I can do is accept my skin and treat it as best I can.
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