“Oh honey that’s not homophobia, that’s misogyny.” A good friend of mine back home, a drag queen and possibly the only other gay person in my hometown, explained this concept to me. We were parked in his driveway one frigid morning last winter break, and I had just finished telling him a story about an interaction I had while visiting our mutual friend at school.Â
A few days prior, I had driven about an hour and a half from my hometown to Newport, Rhode Island, to visit our friend at Salve Regina University. Her winter break had ended before mine, and I was dreadfully bored in my town looking for an escape. Upon my arrival, we had a quick dinner at the dining hall and then immediately headed back to her room to get ready for a party we had been invited to. When we arrived at the party, I immediately felt out of place. All of the girls there were wearing little tops, low-rise jeans, and makeup that appeared to be professionally done. Their nails were all long, freshly done, and perfect; and their hair had a similar vibe. It’s safe to say my lesbian self did not fit in.Â
“I like that top, that color really suits you,” she said, looking me up and down in that way certain girls do. I guess my pink wife beater and boxers sticking out didn’t fit her standards. While I don’t really care what people think—especially people like this—it doesn’t feel good to be judged right after meeting someone.Â
A little while later, everyone began sharing their life updates. It was one of the first weekends back at school for the students, and a lot of them hadn’t seen each other, so it was obvious they were all catching up. It was the usual “I’m still talking to what’s his name” or “I hooked up with who’s his face from home.” The conversation awkwardly got to me, and so I started sharing about the girl I was seeing at the time. Big mistake. I was immediately met with awkward glances and smirks. No one wanted to hear what I had to say.Â
“It’s always so awkward when friends are annoying like that,” my friend said in response to what I had just shared. But was she covering my ass or hers? I could feel her desperately clinging to the approval of these girls.
It was during that moment when I realized I was so happy that I didn’t care. I didn’t care about their opinions of me, or if these people didn’t like me, my sexuality or my style. I like myself. I spent so long hating myself and trying to fit in with this crowd, I don’t have the energy to be anyone but me anymore.
After explaining these events to my friend, Mason, he seemed appalled. A few weekends prior, he had gone out with our mutual friend and her friends in our hometown, and he had gotten with one of their gay guy friends. He shared that all of the girls were so excited that they had gotten together and were very supportive of their sexualities. “It’s more about the fact that you don’t prioritize men that makes them uncomfortable, than the fact you’re gay.” While I do think either way these people do have some internalized homophobia, I agree with him. It is more about my lack of attraction to men than my attraction to women that upsets them.
Since this conversation I have looked at homophobia in a different way. Lesbians and queer women in general have such a unique experience of homophobia. We live in a patriarchal society that puts men on pedestals. Women that are attracted to men and follow this ideal can’t seem to comprehend that there are women that do not feel this way about men, which to me is very sad. In my opinion, women should decenter men no matter their sexual identity. It is so important to not idolize a specific gender or place personal value on male attention. Men don’t need another win; they already dominate workspaces, the government, and the minds of so many people. After this experience, I have newfound empathy for the women who judge my identity. I hope that they can someday see the harm they are causing others with their judgments, and I hope that someday they take a step back and realize that wanting male attention and validation is not a way to judge whether a person is friend-worthy.Â
Can’t get enough of HC UMass Amherst? Be sure to follow us on Instagram, listen to us on Spotify, like us on Facebook, and read our latest Tweets!