I lead a double life.
There are two worlds in my heart. Each filled with different people, they only know one side: the way I grew up or my evolved college self.
It’s strange knowing my hometown friends can’t see the life I live in the city. I can explain to the best of my abilities, but they’d never see the weight on my shoulders during exam season, how excited and loud I get on game day, or how my eyes squint with joy when I’m out taking photos. Every story I have to tell from my college life suddenly feels irrelevant to people back home. There’s a disconnection in those stories; many oh you just had to be theres, said.
Don’t get me wrong; it’s a double-edged sword.
My college friends don’t know my favorite coffee shop from back home. How I spent most of my time in high school playing board games and drinking too much matcha. All of the embarrassing, happy, and sad moments that made me who I am. They don’t know the names of the streets, the landmarks, or my favorite local restaurants. How excited I get to drive down my favorite road with my windows down and music way too loud. Spanglish words used frequently and understood by those at home are misunderstood.
I even find myself slipping away from what I thought was my identity. The things that rooted me to my home: first steps, birthdays, hard times, and celebratory moments. The gradual changes in my habits. The missed moments that I can’t connect with when brought up in conversation. New inside jokes I couldn’t be a part of.
Selfishly, I want to combine these two important parts of my life. I want each important cast member to exist in the same place. I want them to share the same memories, know my past, know my present, understand my random references, and know all the irrelevant details in between. But most of all, I don’t want to have to say goodbye each time I leave one life for the other.
I wish I could embrace the changes to myself that gradually separate me from home. I understand the concept of not staying the same forever, but if this is the outcome of it, I can’t say I’m all in for it. Still, I don’t hate the new person I’m becoming as I shed the parts that once were. My identity will always shift as my environment shifts along with time. That’s inevitable.
With the disarray and changes have come a new type of balance. My college friends have no attachment to who I once was and therefore have nothing to say about my changes. In a way, it creates a comfortable space for me since there are no external factors to keep me in one place. But I know my hometown friends and family will hold me accountable to my virtues and remind me how far I’ve come. They’ll reminisce with me about the past and be the rock I need.
Each cast has its set, and I feel lucky to sit in between the two, able to exist in both.