Say yes to yourself, not always to everyone else
“A Pathological People Pleaser.” From being just a lyric in a Taylor Swift song to becoming a part of my personality, this phrase is more relatable to most than it should be. Covering someone’s shift at a job, writing an essay for your roommate, planning a friend’s birthday dinner or giving in to everyone else’s food preferences—if all of this sounds like something you have done, you’re not alone. College women are drowning in a sea of commitments, obligations and the exhausting need to be everything to everyone. Here’s what nobody tells you: saying “no” isn’t selfish, it’s survival.
Let’s be honest about where this starts. Many of us were raised to be accommodating, helpful and above all, nice. This is what I call the “Good Girl Syndrome.” We learned early that being liked meant being agreeable. Fast forward to college and suddenly we’re the ones taking notes for people who skip class. We’re the emotional support system for our friend group. We’re volunteering to lead the group project because nobody else will. We’re saying yes to every social event because what if we miss something? What if people stop inviting us? The problem isn’t kindness. The problem is when kindness becomes a compulsion, when helping others comes at the expense of helping ourselves. When we’ve said “yes” so many times that we’ve forgotten we’re allowed to say “no.”
This is ironic in a way since we say “yes” to avoid disappointing people, but we end up disappointing them anyway because we’re stretched too thin to show up fully. We say “yes” to maintain relationships, but then those relationships become transactional because they are built on what we can do for others rather than who we are. Perhaps most importantly, every “yes” to something that drains us is an automatic “no” to something that could fulfill us. That’s the opportunity cost nobody talks about. Saying “no” isn’t selfish, it’s giving yourself the same respect, time and compassion you give others. It’s looking after and taking care of yourself. It’s being honest instead of letting resentment build until you explode or burn out. It’s about saying “yes” to yourself.
I’m not going to lie and say this is easy. Unlearning years of people-pleasing takes time. You’ll feel guilty at first. You might worry that people will be upset or think less of you. Some people might be upset because they benefited from your inability to set boundaries. But here’s what I’ve learned: the people who matter will respect your “no.” The right people will love you for who you are, not what you do for them. The relationships that can’t survive your boundaries aren’t relationships worth keeping. You deserve to be more than everyone’s “yes” person. You deserve to save some of that “yes” energy for yourself. You deserve boundaries, rest and the radical act of putting yourself first sometimes.
So the next time someone asks you for something and your knee-jerk reaction is to say “yes,” pause. Take a breath. And remember: “no” is a complete sentence and you’re allowed to use it. Your future self will thank you.