Content Warning: Contains Mention of Homophobia
While dating can be hard for everyone at UCSB, dating women especially has its own unique challenges. During my first two years here, I struggled with where to meet women, how to flirt effectively, and the ways to navigate being in a queer relationship in a heteronormative society.
For me, a big part of starting to date women was just simply making the decision to do so. Even small things, like saying I want a partner instead of saying boyfriend, really shifted the way I looked at dating in my day-to-day life. Being loud and proud about my sexuality attracted what I was looking for; I had a girl ask for my number in a class after I mentioned off-hand that I was bisexual, which she might not have done if I’d said nothing. Embracing my sexuality was the first big step to living it.
Here is everything I wish I knew before dating women in Isla Vista.
Where to Meet Queer Women
The first step is finding women to date (easier said than done, I know). I’ve had the most luck by far on dating apps, especially Hinge. It can be difficult to tell in person who is wlw and who is not because there is no one way to look, act, or be queer. Dating apps put me in contact with women I would otherwise never meet. If you have a bias against dating apps, I promise, it is a very different experience talking to women on dating apps than men.
If you’re not a dating app person, which is totally reasonable, some of my prospective places to meet women are at parties (Biko especially), band shows, through friends, and at the Rec Cen climbing gym. Ultimately, the more you get involved in, the more queer women you will encounter! It’s less about finding the right places and just being on the lookout in the places you already enjoy going. I’ve connected and got the numbers of women in unconventional spaces, such as frat parties and at the beach.
It’s also important to put yourself around other queer people. One great place to start is the UCSB Trans and Queer Commission. They do all kinds of fun events, including Speed Dating. Even if you do not meet anyone romantically at these events, it’s a great way to make more queer friends.
My queer friends have been pivotal in my dating journey. They give me great advice, act as wing women, understand the challenges I may face, and most importantly, can introduce me to their other cute, gay friends. Having wlw friends will get you excited about your sexuality, instead of feeling like it’s something outside of the norm.
How to Flirt Successfully
Flirting can be another challenging part of pursuing women. If you go up to a girl and say “You are so pretty,” she will probably say, “Omg you too!” and turn back to her friends. Being direct from the start can make it clear what your intent is. Some of my favorite starters are: “You look good tonight,” “You caught my eye from over there,” and making intense eye contact from across the room. Following these with “Do you like women?” or “Can I get your number?” makes it clear it is romantic versus platonic.
I get it can be hard to make the first move, but someone has got to do it. Most people will be flattered, even if they are not interested. I have been rejected many, many times by straight women, and it’s never a big deal. If you’re too shy to approach someone directly, you can always have your friend ask for you.
Approaching men (or waiting for them to approach you) can feel like an easy default. But part of the fun of flirting with women can be the excitement of if they are flirting back or just being friendly. I also guarantee more people than you think are queer, you just have to be willing to ask them! Confidence will get you far.
First Date and Beyond
Let’s say you met a girl and got her number — yay! You’ve gotten over the biggest hurdles. For the first date, I like to pick an activity I enjoy that allows a lot of conversation but some distraction if you fall into a lull. Some of my go-to’s are a picnic, crafts, mini golf, thrifting, or coffee shops. Be prepared to help plan dates, split the bill (or even pay if you asked them out), and buy lots of flowers.
There is no reason to be scared of dating women. Sure, it is different from dating men, but not any more challenging. There is no need to overthink it. I find dates to be a lot like hanging out with a friend one on one, just a friend you happen to be attracted to. When I get nervous, I like to pretend it is just like any other hang-out but with a little more banter thrown in.
I am not going to sugar coat it, you will probably face some homophobia when dating women. There will be people who do not respect your relationship or fetishize your existence. A lot of people forget homophobia exists everywhere, even at liberal California schools. However, it’s never something that has made me feel unsafe or deterred me from pursuing the people I want to pursue. It’s just something to be prepared for, so it doesn’t come as a surprise.
And for my bisexual baddies out there, you are not any less queer because you also date men. Do not let the feeling that you are inexperienced deter you; all of us were inexperienced at one time. It’s each person’s individual choice of when and how to explore their sexuality. You can start dating women at any point in your life, whether that’s now or later is always up to you.
Dating women does have its individual challenges; it can be harder to tell who is interested, how to flirt without coming off as friendly, and dealing with being in a relationship that is outside of the norm. However, if that’s a part of your identity, it’s worth experiencing. There is a far bigger wlw community at UCSB than it may seem from the outside. You just have to put in a little work to find it.