The theater is nearly empty when I arrive. I sit in the middle, closest to the end of the aisle. Browse the menu of my local Cinema Cafe while I wait for the waiter to arrive. The movie is Captain America: Brave New World. I am alone. I am at peace. I am happy. This was the first of many movies I went to by myself during the summer. The first time in my life when I began to appreciate the art of being alone. The craft of learning to be by yourself, to appreciate the moments of silence that come with talking to no one, to get used to who I am without the people around me.
In truth, I was never comfortable with who I was for a long time. When I was younger, I hid myself among the people around me, hoping to absorb their best traits so that they became my own. That meant that for a long time, I imagined that being by myself was a negative thing. I assumed that if people saw me sitting by myself, more than likely doing something I loved, that they would assume that I had no friends.
This mindset stuck with me even through high school. I would invite people out with me wherever I went, and if people told me that they were unable to come, instead of going anyway, I would just stay at home. I believe in a sense, I was afraid of being alone with myself and my thoughts. Truthfully, I can’t tell you why I decided to go see Captain America: Brave New World without any friends or siblings. I remember my brother thinking that I must be insane and even offering to go with me since he assumed that no one else would go, but I was adamant that I wanted to do this myself. I arrived early, put my order in, and waited for the movie to start.
While the trailers and previews played, I couldn’t shake the feeling that everyone was looking at me. I felt as if they were all wondering the same question: “Where were her friends?” or “Is anyone else coming to sit with her?” I honestly debated getting up to leave. It reminded me of all those years before, when I would tag along with friends who barely liked me to events that I never even wanted to go to before. I felt uncomfortable. Truly, utterly uncomfortable. And that is when I think it clicked. The discomfort of the entire situation made me aware of why I felt this way. I am now, thankfully, a firm believer that being uncomfortable is the first stage to being comfortable. It is only when people begin to get that irritating itch under their skin, when their eyes begin to skate from one side of the room to the other, and they feel a bit out of breath is that they are confronted with reality. The reality that it is okay to be uncomfortable and to appreciate loneliness, whether it is intentional or unintentional.
Realistically, people are not forever. The friends you have acquired over nearly two decades of existence and the family you’ve had since birth are not promised. People will always come and go as they please, and sometimes that’s going to hurt. The only person that will never leave you is yourself, so you might as well get comfortable with whatever person you are. Get used to all of your unusual quirks, your tastes and distastes, the music you play nonstop, all the movies you cry to, and your favorite place in the entire world. Why? Because when you realize that some people just aren’t meant to be here forever, or when you are faced with the discomfort of being by yourself, you’ll want to know the stranger that stays in the same body as you. So sometimes that means taking yourself out on dates. Is there an exhibit at the local museum that you’ve been wanting to go see, then go by yourself. Have you been wanting to go try out this new coffee shop that opened near your house? Go by yourself. Do you want to go look for a new pair of shoes for the fall? Go by yourself. Get to know who you are. Get to know who you want to be. Allow yourself the luxury of being able to sit in your car, or ride the bus, or walk by yourself without having to keep up a conversation the entire time. Allow yourself the peace of being able to pick when you go somewhere, when you leave, or even what you eat. Allow yourself the patience of being able to be embarrassed by yourself. Hear yourself in the silence and learn to enjoy the sound.
Now, I will willingly go to the movies by myself. Especially if there is a movie that only I want to see. Growing up as a middle child meant that I normally had to compromise between the wants of my younger sister and older brother, but now I can decide what movie I want to see and when. There is no more arguing, and in its place, I am met with silence. The sweet sound of my own existence, not fighting to find space amongst others. A place purely for myself. I’ve even grown to be more comfortable doing other stuff by myself, including shopping and getting lunch or dinner by myself. I ignore if anyone looks at me, and I appreciate just being able to talk for a little while for myself. I enjoy being able to allow myself the peace of taking off any masks or niceties to just be myself.
Take this as a sign to take some time for yourself. Not in the drop off the map or the face of the world kind of way, but in the appreciating loneliness type of way. Share your location with your roommate, buy a ticket at the local theater, and go see a movie you’ve been wanting to see for a hot minute. Go get lunch at the dining hall by yourself. Sit in the library and read a book with classical music playing in your ear as your only friend. Let yourself break down some of the walls you put up around yourself to make others comfortable and do something you’ve been wanting to do for a long time. Don’t think about the other people around you or if the waiter thinks you’re insane for sitting at the restaurant all by yourself. Just be.
Let me say, Captain America: Brave New World was amazing. Not just because I’m a Sam Wilson fan, but because I didn’t have to worry about anyone but myself. I was able to just be Phoenix. Not for my friends, or my family, or for the world around me, but just because I decided I wanted to be myself. The popcorn tasted butterier. The silence felt louder. The world felt a little more at peace. Just be and appreciate the loneliness and the person you are for just a few hours. If you can’t release the expectations that others have for you, then just leave them at ease for a little bit while you take a breath, all by yourself.