“God gives his hardest battles to his strongest warriors.”
Maybe I don’t want to be the strongest one in the room.
I crave the life I used to live. The life where I wasn’t always in pain or thinking about every possible symptom I have. The life where I didn’t have to have constant fear about what I ate, wondering if today was the day that my immune system decided to crash. Now that I’m in my twenties, I feel the stop signs at every step. And the thing is, half the time it doesn’t bother me. There are times when I think being chronically ill has made me wiser, stronger, and more mature. And maybe I should feel grateful for that. For the life I’m able to have with all these obstacles, and the fact that it’s made me grow up in ways I never thought I’d have to. But I didn’t ask for any of this. And every single day, I’m grateful that my sisters don’t have to deal with this, and I can’t say that enough. But why me? In what past life did I go wrong that I deserved to get burdened with this? Giving my parents constant stress and fear about how I’m feeling. Withholding symptoms from them just so they don’t worry about me or think I can’t handle it. My mom says it’s just a blip. Just a period in my life that will find a way to straighten itself out. But I’m stuck with this. This is my life.
Sometimes I wish that I’d always been sick, so that I’d never know the difference between my life before and my life now. I wouldn’t be wishing for a day where I have no pain, no symptoms, no fear. I wouldn’t know what it feels like to have that exhilarating feeling of happiness and joy without the constant nagging feeling of nausea and chronic pain. I would be able to live life as I am now, with no knowledge of what it was before.
Maybe one day I’ll learn to live with this. Maybe I’ll learn how to ignore the pain and the symptoms more than I do now. Go on a first date without thinking about what food I can eat, what medications to bring, if they’ll freak out about my medical conditions, or think I’m too much to handle. If I’m able to live with this, deal with the pain and the stress and the doctors over and over again, then honestly, at this point, what else can I get through?
I don’t miss being healthy. Because objectively, I am healthy. I’m not bedbound, I’m not in the hospital like so many others, and I’m able to live a version of life that I’d always dreamed of having, even if I have to modify it. I miss feeling normal. I miss the peace I used to have. I miss spontaneity. I’m in my twenties, and though yes, I do go out and have fun with my friends and laugh and cry, I can’t shake the feeling of being chronically ill. Maybe I should just accept life as it is now. I’m surrounded by people who care about me and make sure that I’m okay, and to be frank, I’ve never felt more loved in my life. Chronic illness has taught me so much, beyond just pushing through the bad days. I’ve learned more about myself in the past three years than I have in the past 22, and that’s a gift. My birthday just passed. I am happy and content with how I felt, and I know that this is the life I’ve wanted. And I honestly thought it couldn’t get better. I spent my day in classes, walking around campus, and watching TV with my family and roommates, and I thought to myself, “This is the life.” I truly have never been happier than I am right now. New symptoms happen, issues get worse, I’ll feel sicker, and eventually I will need more help again. But right now all I’m thinking about is where I am right now. Moments of happiness that are pushing through the bad days. Surprise parties that I never expected. People I never thought I’d meet. Memories that aren’t that exciting, but they’re just special. Chronic illness takes so much out of you, and it’s so unbelievably isolating. Those of us who deal with it firsthand know. Sometimes it feels like it’s your entire existence. Like you never fully lived before it, and you can’t fully live with it. For the past three years, all I’ve felt is isolation and the mental/physical/emotional pain of dealing with it. But in the last month, it’s gotten lighter. Surround yourself with people you love. Even when you’re not sure if you can, try to put yourself out there. Make memories to the best of your ability. Meet those people. Don’t hide the pain and struggle. Acknowledge it, help yourself, and truly, truly feel every possible emotion you can. The happiness is worth it.