Anyone who I’m close with knows that I’ve always been hard on myself. I hold myself to incredibly high standards and punish myself when I fall short of the expectations that I’ve carefully crafted for myself. Growing up, I’d get so upset when I didn’t get perfect grades or forgot a step during dance class. My parents always told me to do my best and not worry about the outcome, but sometimes my best wasn’t good enough for myself. I thought that being hard on myself was practicing discipline, but in reality, it left me anxious, tired, and insecure.
I stayed awake at night questioning why I wasn’t as good as everyone else. There was always someone smarter, prettier, and better than me, but that wasn’t good enough for me; I wanted to be the best. Looking back, I wish I could tell myself that I am the best. If I wake up every morning and do MY best, that’s enough. Instead of placing impossible expectations on myself, I’ve learned to forgive myself.
I owe myself an apology for all the pressure I put on myself. An apology for all the times I compared myself to others. An apology for blaming myself when people were cruel to me. An apology for looking in the mirror and hating myself. An apology for believing I’m not doing my best, when in reality I was working so hard that I didn’t have time to take a breath and show myself grace.
It took me far too long to realize that this voice in my head, driving me to be the best, wasn’t helping me; it was breaking me. Now I’m able to reflect on how I was treating myself and realize that I would never be that cruel to anyone besides myself. I would never judge my friends for how they look. I would never tell someone that they are unworthy of love. I would never bring someone down for not living up to their expectations, so why did I do this to myself?
The moment that I chose to forgive myself, life changed for the better. By forgiving myself, I didn’t stop working hard or focusing on personal growth; I simply stopped punishing myself for my failures. Instead of punishing myself for mistakes, I celebrated small victories. I learned to be patient with myself and to treat myself with kindness because I deserve it.
Because the truth is, I don’t need to be perfect to be worthy of love. I only needed to learn how to give it to myself.