In my favorite comfort show, “New Girl,” Jake Johnson’s character Nick Miller shouts “Dead Dad Pass!” to excuse his strange behavior after his dad’s death. Well, I have a pass too. It has been more than a week, more like three years, since my dad’s death, but I have not been able to let my pass expire yet.
As I start my senior year, I reflect on the many lessons and experiences from my first four years of adulthood. Experiencing the loss of my dad, who died from complications of a horrific motorcycle accident in the summer of 2023, was the hardest experience.
Losing my dad, who was supposed to be around forever and ever, was hard. During his month-long stay in the hospital and after his death, I had to learn how to cope and then grieve.
I probably did go a little crazy while trying to protect my mom, my younger sister and myself. I held on to a lot after I was forced to let go. I was knocked down a peg, and the following semester, as I was trying to fall back into my old ways, I learned that I did not have much to give to anything or anyone.
In the beginning, my “Dead Dad Pass” felt like more of a burden than a blessing. Emotionally, I was a wreck. Physically, I was beginning to wither away. Mentally, I was grieving the memory of my dad while attempting to rejoin the world in moving on without him. For the entirety of my sophomore year, whenever the word “dad” was brought up, I would have to hold back an onslaught of tears.
Lately, I see my “Dead Dad Pass” as an important reminder that you are allowed to let yourself grieve a little crazy. You are allowed to put on an orange tracksuit like Nick Miller and do or say weird things if that is what helps you cope. The “Dead Dad Pass” is a reminder to give yourself and others grace when grieving.
You can use the “Dead Dad Pass” to help you set boundaries, grieve quietly or loudly and be crazy. As long as you are not hurting yourself or others, since hurt people hurt people all the time, it is acceptable to use the pass to do whatever stupid thing makes you feel even a little bit better. Remember, it does not excuse you from life or always excuse you from your responsibilities. Your bed needs to be made, your dishes need to be cleaned and your friends and family need you, always. As much as we try to live in the happier memories from the past, time will always keep us moving forward. It sucks.
Losing a parent sucks, letting go sucks and dealing with grief sucks. After his death, I have had to set so many boundaries because I finally learned my limits. My “Dead Dad Pass” may remind me of this terrible loss, but it also reminds me to give myself grace. I may not shout it when I need to do something strange because I am missing my dad, but it reminds me that it is OK to not be OK sometimes.