At the end of my first year of college, I ghosted my roommates. Not in a “we had a falling out” kind of way — more like a quiet, middle-of-the-night exit from people I didn’t really consider friends.
Let me explain.
I was the last one to move into our four-person dorm about two months after school had started in the fall. (I’d been staying in temporary housing while I waited for a single-occupancy bedroom to open up.) When I finally moved into my permanent place, I just never really clicked with the other girls. They already had their inside jokes, shared playlists, and pregame party routine. I was just… there. Think Kacey from The Sex Lives of College Girls Season 3, except I never got my bonding moment. We already had our own routines and different groups of friends, so none of us felt the need to grow a relationship with each other.
By Tuesday of finals week, I had already finished my last exam, wrapped up packing, and DM’d my RA for a quick room inspection while my roommates were out. I dropped off my keys, loaded my boxes into storage, and crashed at my partner’s place before heading home the next day. I never said goodbye to my roommates. I just left.
I’ve since learned that this kind of roommate ghosting is almost like a rite of passage for college students, and it has taken over TikTok in recent months, with students sharing their own experiences from both sides of the goodbye. My own exit wasn’t very dramatic — I just didn’t see the point in drawing out a goodbye that never really had a meaningful “hello.” But not every roommate ghosting story is that simple — and I wanted to hear from other students who haven’t been so lucky so I could better understand why roommate ghosting happens, whether it’s ever OK to ghost your roommate without notice, and what college students can do to avoid getting to such a dramatic point in their roommate relationship.
For those who get ghosted, it can be jarring.
Ghosting a roommate might seem harmless — sometimes even necessary — but for the people left behind, it can be confusing and upsetting. Emily*, a 19-year-old first-year student at Northern Michigan University, tells Her Campus she was shocked when she came back from winter break to find her roommate had silently moved out.
“I came back from winter break and all her stuff was gone,” Emily says. “We weren’t close at all, so there was no big fight. I ran into her friend after and he said that she dropped out and [said] this school sucks. I liked her as a roommate though — never had issues.”
“She joked about dropping out all the time.”
Emily*, 19
Looking back, Emily says there were signs of her roommate’s impending exit. “She joked about dropping out all the time, she had all online classes, and hated her cheer team. But nobody thought she actually would.”
Thankfully, in Emily’s case, the confusion from the incident didn’t really cause lasting hurt feelings. “I was shocked but low-key excited to have my own room,” she says.
Zoe*, a 20-year-old sophomore at the University of Kansas, had a similar experience during her second year — but this time the ghosting came at a cost. She and her sophomore year roommate shared an apartment with an older student who had already been living in the unit before they moved in. “She already had an air fryer, knife block, cups, pots and pans, and those types of things,” Zoe says. But one afternoon, Zoe came home to discover the older student had left — and she took all her things with her. “Everything was gone.” Zoe says.
The unexpected move-out left Zoe and her other roommate scrambling to buy new stuff. “Our initial reaction was just like, ‘WTF?’” Zoe says. “Not mad or anything because none of us were very close with her, but obviously she took all of her things, and a heads up would [have been] nice so we’d know to get new ones.” She never heard from the ex-roommate after that.
“She didn’t say anything — just blocked me and moved out.
Sophia*, 18
Some roommate ghosting stems from messier situations. Take Sophia*, an 18-year-old sophomore at the University of Iowa, whose ghosting experience came after her roommate caught feelings. “We were kinda hooking up for a while, but I was very clear in my intentions as just friends,” she says. “The second I got a boyfriend she flipped out … One time she actually locked me out of my room when I tried to have him over.”
After that, things got tense, and her roommate eventually pulled a silent goodbye. “She didn’t say anything — just blocked me and moved out. It was shocking,” she says. “I do miss her. I’d probably ask to be friends again. Maybe one more hookup…”
While it appears most ghosted roommates aren’t completely shocked when their roommates leave without a word, if they’re truly caught off guard, it can hurt. “The person being ghosted may feel that the ‘ghoster’ doesn’t value the relationship, which could leave them to question their worth,” says Valorie Evans, LMSW, CST, CPS-M, and founder of the nonprofit organization The Brown Explorers based in Detroit.
So, why do roommates ghost?
Although it might seem like it sometimes, ghosting your roommates isn’t usually a heartless act. According to Dr. Bianca Busch, founder of The College Psychiatrist, “Sometimes it’s about anxiety around saying goodbye — especially if the living situation is ending soon,” she says. “Other times, there might be shame or regret about how things went down between them, or unresolved anger and hurt feelings. At the core, ghosting usually means someone is struggling to face the emotions they’re having. Confronting a difficult conversation can feel overwhelming, so avoiding it altogether feels easier.”
Evans says ghosting often traces back to communication habits formed early in life. “Discomfort with confrontation, not being encouraged to speak up and communicate as a child, low self-esteem, and low self-efficacy” — all of these, she explains, can leave someone without the tools to advocate for themselves in uncomfortable situations. “There’s also fear, lack of concern for others, or embarrassment that they can’t hold up their end of the agreement.”
But some think it’s just not that deep.
Riley*, a 19-year-old sophomore at Shippensburg University, says she decided not to say goodbye simply because there was nothing left to say. “I was transferring schools and took my finals early so I could move out,” she says. “We had not spoken since around holiday break. The only words we said for like five months were ‘see ya’ when we made eye contact leaving the room. I didn’t tell her I was leaving because we didn’t have a relationship. I planned the move three days before and left before she got back.”
“I don’t feel guilty for anything and I also don’t believe I need to justify my actions.
Jordan*
Jordan*, a college student who prefers to keep their personal details private, echoes a similar sentiment about emotional distance. “I didn’t feel like I owed them an explanation as to why I moved out. [It] was due to the issues I had with them,” Jordan says. “I don’t feel guilty for anything and I also don’t believe I need to justify my actions. I knew I wanted to leave, but the immediate decision was last minute.”
While ghosting isn’t ideal, Riley and Jordan’s experiences show that sometimes, fading out quietly feels like the path of least resistance — especially when communication is already lacking.
According to Busch, there are, in fact, times when ghosting might be the safest or healthiest choice. “If your roommate has been volatile, aggressive, or emotionally unsafe, it may not be worth the risk to initiate a potentially triggering conversation,” she explains. Evans agrees, explaining that ghosting can be the best course of action “in cases where physical, mental, and emotional safety are at risk.”
In some cases, a roommate disappearing without a word can be a strange kind of relief. Layla*, an 18-year-old sophomore at the University of South Carolina, experienced this during her freshman year after a troubling start with her roommate. “My roommate tried to attack me at the beginning of the school year, so after that, we never got along,” Layla says. Over the semester, Layla noticed her roommate slowly emptying out her room, taking items home on the weekend, until one day, she returned to find the room completely cleared out. “She left nothing behind,” Layla says. “I was shocked, but then I was so excited.”
Layla wasn’t the one to ghost, but her story shows how, in extreme situations, it might be the safest option for everyone involved.
Roommate ghosting is avoidable — if you want it to be.
If your situation is just uncomfortable versus actually unsafe, you might want to consider actually talking things out with your roommate — whether you’re planning to leave, or you suspect your roommate is. That’s because while ghosting might feel like the easiest thing to do in the moment, Busch says people aren’t always relieved after the fact. “Many people still carry a sense of guilt or unease afterward, especially if they know deep down the other person deserved closure,” she says.
Busch recommends preparing for this convo by talking it out with someone you trust — or even rehearsing what you want to say. “If a face-to-face conversation truly feels unbearable or unsafe, it’s OK to consider other forms of communication — like writing a letter, sending a thoughtful email, or even texting,” she adds.
Busch also suggests trying the DEARMAN method to stay calm and clear: (d)escribe the situation, (e)xpress how you feel, (a)ssert what you need, (r)einforce why it matters, stay (m)indful, (a)ppear confident, and (n)egotiate if needed.
Evans adds, “Use ‘I’ statements to soften the confrontation. Instead of saying ‘you never clean,’ say, ‘I feel uncomfortable living in a messy space.’” She also recommends recruiting a mediator (such as an RA) and setting clear boundaries at the start of the semester to avoid reaching the point of someone feeling like the need to ghost.
Looking back on my own ghosting experience, I don’t regret what I did, per se. I didn’t ghost out of fear or anger. I just didn’t feel connected enough to warrant a heartfelt goodbye. We weren’t friends. We weren’t even frenemies. We were four strangers sharing a shoebox. Still, I do wonder if it would’ve been better to say something — anything — before I left. Maybe not a full TED Talk, but a quick, “Hey, I’m heading out. Have a great summer,” wouldn’t have hurt.
*Names have been changed.