The best and one of the most important parts about being in college is making connections with the people around you. Here, we are able to create our chosen family to help support us when college is, well, college-ing. But, that’s why it’s important to recognize that while trying to find our people, there could be challenges.
We are still learning and growing as people, so it’s important to be sympathetic and understanding when things get hard. But, it’s equally as important to protect yourself and your peace. As we’ve learned with high school, these four years can go by so fast and they’re the most important, as we are on the way to our (hopefully) forever careers. So, there isn’t any time to surround yourself with people who take away from you, or the person you are.
Making the realization that some friendships and/or relationships won’t work is the hardest part. After all of the effort you put into the dynamic, while trying to be understanding and accepting of them while being yourself freely and unapologetically (so they can see you and realize how great you are) it isn’t always a 100% guarantee that you guys will celebrate together after you walk the stage on graduation day.
(I hope) we all know how important communication is in any kind of relationship. Transparency is the best policy—if you don’t like how someone is treating you, speak your truth and stand up for yourself. NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO DO IT FOR YOU—and if they do, they are robbing you from growing as someone who is strong enough to defend the one person that is still there after friends and partners come and go… YOU. If the other person is receptive to your concerns, it’s just a bump in the road and you and your relationship can move on. But, remember, we have to keep that same mindset for ourselves—if someone comes to us with a concern, don’t just outright say “I’m sorry you feel that way.” When that phrase is said, it can invalidate the person’s feelings and let them know that you don’t feel any remorse for the actions that may have hurt your friend/partner. Friendships and relationships are partnerships, and they are a two way street.
Moreover, if you put in all of that effort and communication, try your best to remedy an issue, but it is never fully healed, it causes more and more problems. It may be time to let that person go if communication, space, and/or any other solution you guys come up with doesn’t work. I’m not saying to just drop someone at the first sign of problems—no one is perfect and no one is going to be 100% perfect to each other, but it’s loving them despite that which really counts. Conflicts force us to reflect on ourselves, and if we realize that this person is taking away from us more than we are gaining growth and positivity from the dynamic, then it’s time to let go.
And yes, it’s okay to let people go. Even if you love them, and you don’t want them to go, maybe it’s what needs to be done for you to find the people that are right for you—and that person could be right, but just not right now. Sometimes, things fall apart temporarily so that they can fall into place permanently.
The aftermath may be you seeing them around campus, you seeing them post on their Instagram story, you hearing about what they’re up to through mutual friends—and it sucks. It’s a hard pill to swallow to know that although your relationship/friendship has ended, individual lives continue as if everything is normal… but it’s not. Severing connections, whether it be temporary or permanent, is never an easy thing to deal with. Even if you were the one to initiate the severance, you still have to deal with the absence of the other person or people, and it’s uncomfortable.
And not to sound too cliche, but it really will be okay. These big feelings of sadness, anger, hurt, and discomfort are all necessary motions to go through when you lose a friendship/relationship so you can get to where you want to be. It’s okay if they’re someone’s person, but they don’t have to be yours.