Since starting college, I have had the worst increase in my already bad anxiety. In the past two years, learning to navigate my mental health on top of the new world of college has been hard.
In February 2023, I had my first severe panic attack. I had already suffered from mild anxiety since early middle school but this was something different. It happened while I was sick with the flu. I was anxious about being sick, and then it all started. My chest felt tight, I couldn’t breathe, my heart was racing, I was googling my symptoms. I had an Apple Watch I wore frequently at the time, and one of the features was the ability to check pulse and heart rate. I had began checking my heart rate every single day. In one day, I had checked my heart rate over 150 times. My mother sold my Apple Watch so I would stop ruminating.
Since my first panic attack came at a really bad time for me, since I was already sick, it caused me to believe something was wrong with me on a physical health level. I would think and think and think, even though I knew I was healthy in other aspects. I began to lose trust in myself that I knew my body. I stopped drinking caffeine because I thought that was why my heart rate was always high, I started going to the gym – I didn’t understand why my anxiety was so bad.
In August 2023, I began my freshman year at IUP. I had continued getting anxiety, and it especially increased in many ways. I was filled with intrusive thoughts and anxious spirals. What if I didn’t make friends? What if something happened and I didn’t know anyone? What if I was involved in a tragic incident, such as a shooting or a fire? I was worried about classes, and worried about things that really aren’t even possibilities. I began to avoid places and people because my anxiety told me I would embarrass myself, I wasn’t wanted, or people hate me. My anxiety subsided to once I made friends, but it still came back worse during the second half of my freshman year.
After dealing with an incredibly difficult breakup, my anxiety skyrocketed once again. I was having frequent panic attacks. I was scared of my health, despite countless doctors appointments and hospital visits, I didn’t trust them. What if they missed something? Why was I scared of everything and everyone, including myself? As my panic attacks became more common, I began to get more physical symptoms. My chest hurt, my head hurt, I was constantly tired. Every day was agonizing. I worried about the most mundane things, but more than that, I worried about myself.
One of the hardest parts of dealing with chronic anxiety and panic attacks is not being able to calm myself down when I need to. Even in a situation where I know I am safe and okay, I just can’t shake the what-ifs. I also struggled with the friends I made didn’t really understand how I felt in these moments because they hadn’t experienced it themselves. I felt like I was alone in this, because nobody understood how my brain was constantly spiraling and how it really felt to be in a constant state of worry. One of the most important things during mental health struggles is a good support system, so lacking that was very hard.
In my fall semester of my freshman year, I finally seeked help. I got my diagnosis for Major Depressive Disorder and Severe Panic Disorder, combined with my pre-existing Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I started taking 10mg of Lexapro, and I felt so much better. I started doing research on coping strategies and began journaling as much as I remember to.
Medicine can be so useful for helping with mental disorders. Lexapro was truthfully one of the best things for my anxiety. Everyday is still a struggle for me, whether it be balancing my thoughts and the symptoms or remembering to take my medicine. Using lavender, going for walks and journaling have all helped me when my anxiety gets high. Sometimes, it is just important for me to take a step back from all the anxious thoughts that constantly go through my brain.