Let’s play a game. I’ll give you several accounts of words that may or may not have been said to me, and you have to guess if each has or hasn’t been said, out loud, by a real human being, to me. Ready?
- “Wow, you look like a monster!”
- “You’re a Communication major. Half blonde, fully stupid.”
- “Why do you look like a man?”
- “I knew you were going to hurt me, so I decided to hurt you first.”
- “You should eat less, do you really want to blow up like a balloon?”
As sad as I am to tell you this, all these accounts are true, and the words within them are actual statements people have made about me, my personality, and my appearance.
Now you may be wondering, Amanda, you good honey? and I can tell you that, yeah, I actually am. So let me give you some tips on how I’ve been able to put the old saying, “let it roll off like water on a duck’s back” into practice.
Feel the feelings and then let them go.
Hurtful words can cut deeper than any knife can. They penetrate through confidence, self-esteem, and self-love, pushing themselves right down to your core. When someone says something unkind, remember that it’s ok to feel hurt. It’s totally normal to cry. As women, we are so often told to keep things in, not make a scene, and just “move on from it.” We are called dramatic and hysterical for showing our emotions. But I give you permission to feel your feelings, because while saying something nasty to someone you know or may not know is not normal, expressing your feelings is. Write it, wear it, feel it, cry through it, sing it, dance it, breathe it out, and then just let it go.Â
Talk about what was said with your loved ones (or people who value you).
I’m sure if you asked my dad if he remembers the night I came home from swim practice after two of my male teammates had said I looked like a monster, he would say, “Absolutely.”Â
My family is my rock, my anchor, and my foundation. Through my good and bad days, they have always continued to love and support me, even when I don’t think I deserve it. I encourage you to talk about those mean words you heard with your family — whoever they may be. Whether it’s your actual family, friends, coworkers, significant others, teachers, or therapists, talking it through with people who see you as your best self — even when you may see yourself as your worst — will ultimately allow you to see how insignificant those words really are. I mean, who wants to be hurtful? In my experience, talking it through with people I love and trust allows me to see the bigger picture and know that it doesn’t matter in the end, because I have others in my life who will speak only kind words to me.Â
“Hurt people, hurt people.”Â
I heard this quote a few years ago while watching a TedTalk, and I cannot stress this phrase enough.Â
Hurt people choose to hurt other people, it’s as simple as that. Now, I’m not going to defend or justify someone saying something harmful because they’re going through a lot. It is a purely personal choice to walk out the door in the morning and either say, “Hey, I’m going to tear others down today” or “Hey, my words mean a lot, so let me be kind.” A devastating personal situation or challenge does not equate to emotionally wounding someone else.Â
This is also why it is so important to think before we speak, as we truly don’t know what everyone is going through. Kind words matter, and people remember them.Â
They won’t remember it. You will. And that sucks.
We tend to hold words, especially painful ones, close to our minds and remember them often. However, it’s rare that the people who have said those words to us remember what they’ve said. I know, I know, it’s insane how people can drop absolute verbal bombs and sweep them out of their mind like nothing happened.Â
It’s important to keep in mind that these words don’t hold any meaning to the people delivering them. To them, the words are empty, something to be thrown around without any consequences. Many times, these words come from people we know, which makes them all the more harmful. Feel the words, let them go, and if they don’t hold any meaning to the person who said them, then let them mean a bit less to you.
Remember to say some nice things about yourself.Â
Words can hurt…duh! Look in the mirror and say kind things to yourself. While the people we love can say all the most caring things about our looks and personality, it’s up to us to internalize only the good and block out the bad. Internalizing the negative things we hear results in the manifestation of words, to beliefs, and beliefs to reality. Write down a list of things you adore about yourself each week and read them out loud when you feel low.Â
They say that kindness costs nothing. Well, so does being mean. And these days, being mean is a lot easier than being kind. But always remember, there are so many people who love you, and while mean words mean a lot, I hope by using these tips, kind words will mean more.